Christmas

Is there any place that produces scratch & sniff Christmas cards? That might be another fun way to send a greeting. Nothing says "enjoy the holidays" like the smell of cinnamon pinecones or "good luck at that family party" like the scent of eggnog.

December 19

Last night I was in the mood for a French dip sandwich. We didn't have any roast beef though so I replaced the meat and I didn't feel like making au jus so I replaced that, too. What we ended up with was French-ish dip-ish sandwiches.

December 18

Hug-a-Cashier Day did not go well for me. I think it's one of those holidays that was all fine and good before the sexual harrassment education that's been going around. Saying no to sexual harrassment is one sure way to ruin the fun.

December 16

You know how most fast food places give you napkins when you get your food or leave them available to you while you're eating? I was just wondering what the social limitations are on taking those napkins. Paper towels and tissues get expensive and free napkins would be one way to cut costs. How many napkins can you really get away with taking before it's considered thievery??? You are supposed to leave the dispenser, right?

December 10th

I'd like to make scratch-off Christmas cards. The first circle can be the message, such as Merry Christmas. To keep the fun train moving, they can even go on to scratch off a square revealing a family picture underneath. Who doesn't like to scratch things off? Christmas scratching cards...

December 9

Today, I switched my jeans and a T-shirt for a brightly colored adult-sized cotton jumper. I have gigantic red floppy shoes on and a multi-colored wig. My face is painted white while my eyes and lips and cheeks are colorful. I have a big spongy red nose, a pocket full of balloons, and a brain full of bad jokes to tell, as well as a nametag that says BOZO. I guess I'm trying to do my part on this Walk in That Weirdo's Shoes Day. Seriously, these shoes are huge.

November 30

Sometimes it's tough to fight generalizations. The other day I was stopped at a red light behind a car from Nebraska and they would inch up every few seconds, eager to get going again. I couldn't help but tell everybody I saw by the end of the night what a hurry Nebraskans always seem to be in. No matter how much proof I have to contradict myself, I can't seem to shake the belief that all blacks have a little Aretha Franklin trying to get out. I really assume it is a birthright for blacks to have a good voice. No matter how many times I see them kicked off American Idol with good cause, I can't shake this generalization. I also can't resist the urge to ask my neighbors if they could sing for me. Sure, it makes things a little awkward, but if they'd just sing instead of call the cops on me, I think I would have all the proof I really need to back up my beliefs.

Thanksgiving

If I were to have really good pie, I would try not to rub it in your face.

November 11

Poor letter "Y". It was born a consonant but sometimes it just feels like a vowel inside. Sometimes when it does express the vowel inside, people make comments like, "Wow! Y is sure flambuoyant!" What's a Y to do? A part of Y is comfortable being a consonant but the vowel side makes Y feel alive. It's the only letter without a conviction in its full identity. It's misunderstood by all of the other letters in the alphabet, all letters that have fully chosen a path, either a vowel or a consonant. Lonely little Y is in limbo. Poor letter "Y".

November 8

A money saving tip: When your deoderant wears out and the plastic starts scraping your armpits, you can use a pointed nail file to gouge out all those extra little pieces and save them, along with one deoderant container. After saving deoderant tidbits from 5-6 deoderants, melt them in the microwave, pour into the container. Put a paper towel on a fridge shelf and set the deoderant on top until it sets again-voila! It's like buying 5 deoderants and getting 1/2 of one free!

November 2

I was just talking with my brother about the good old days. He said, "Dimetapp was so good as a kid that I felt like I could almost drink a bottle of it." I got an old-fashioned case of the giggles as I recalled how much Dimetapp I went through. Sometimes it felt like my mom didn't give me enough and we didn't have too many treats growing up so when she'd leave the room, I'd get a little sandwich bag and dump half the bottle in, tie a knot, and take myself a little recess treat. My dad was in the military and back then they'd give us a certain number of bottles of it for free every month. I could hardly wait for a new month, which meant Treat Time!

P.S. For some strange reason, I won't buy my kids Dimetapp.

October 27

The world is a merry-go-round and I just can't stomach this constant turning about so if we meet up socially and I accidentally upchuck all over you, at least you got an explanation.

October 19th

Sometimes it feels like Coca-Cola really needs a new strategy. Instead of always marketing how refreshing their cola is or how it's nice to drink a cold one on a hot day, they should introduce it as the new fall & winter warm-up solution. They could have an eskimo walk in saying, "Can anybody tell me where I can find a boiling hot Coke?"

October 16th

"Rustic" is a magical word. It can turn something that doesn't function properly or something that's wearing out into something better with nothing more than its six little letters. A historic building's elevator that is quite rickety and seems like a safety hazard suddenly becomes nothing more than an adventure when it's described as being "rustic." A building that has crumbling bricks and sidewalks is suddenly a cozy reminder of a long life when it's described as being "rustic." What I can't figure out is why when we try to sell our "rustic" vehicle, there does not seem to be much interest. I guess even magic has its limitations.

October 15th

My husband ended up with sore biceps after a trip to the gym-I think he’s troubled by his biceptual tendencies...

October 9th

I tend to find fairytales quite disturbing. Today I'm distraught over Sleeping Beauty. Here's a girl that's passed out because of some "magic spell" or whatever the kids are calling it these days. She's supposedly rescued by a strange man who sees her completely unconscious but he also thinks she's hot so he has no qualms or reservations about kissing her while she's out cold. Where I come from, that's just creepy, not romantic. Next time you hear about a girl being drugged with a roofie, don't steer her to the police, tell her this may be her chance to win Prince Phillip's heart!

October 8th

I'm sure everybody's heard the saying, "What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall..." I'd like to change things up to "What I wouldn't give to be a watch on their hand..." That's where the real dirt is you know. If you don't believe me, try cleaning a watch that somebody's been wearing for a while.

October 2

I feel so unlady-like when I eat a sandwich: shoving bites in my mouth, really having to chew to swallow without choking, even just trying to keep the sandwich insides from falling out. Today at a little sandwich shop, I tried to pick 3 beautiful women to watch eat a sandwich. I happily concluded there is just no lady-like way to eat a sandwich. Ta-da!

October 1st

Women go around carrying all kinds of junk in their purse. The only thing anybody REALLY needs is a gun. I have some examples:

-"Oh I got all these groceries & realized I forgot money but I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I realize that you were in line before me. If only there were some way for me to get in front of you since I'm in a hurry. Well, I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I didn't bring my gym membership card. I actually don't even have a membership to this gym but I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I don't really like your opinion. I think you should agree with me. If you don't, maybe this will change your mind..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I told you to leave me alone. Maybe this could convince you..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

Guns are kind of like a jack of all trades. They are really quite persuasive and helpful in all situations.

September 16

I haven't been watching much TV but now that there's some buzz about the new shows for the fall season, I've been curious about what's on and when. I started wondering why I haven't seen that weekly TV show guide in the Sunday paper because then I could just flip through it to easily see what's on. That's when I realized I haven't gotten a Sunday paper in several years. Funny how you can go years without something and never miss it but then one day, bam! I feel like I had so many good times with that weekly TV programming guide and I wish it were around and if it called me at 2 a.m. I would answer and even sneak downstairs to talk to it...

Labor Day

Healthcare seems to be all the buzz these days. I'd like to start seeing medical menus. You would then hear questions such as:

-"Does your labor and delivery come with a side of infant care and evaluation?"

-"How much should I tip for a colonoscopy?"

-"I'd like to get an ultrasound but could you please go easy on the gel?"

-"How much extra is it to supersize the birth control?"

-"Which day do you offer 2-for-1 vaccinations?"

-"Can I order a hysterectomy ala-carte or does it have to be included in the hospital package?"

-"I'd like to order a doctor evaluation with a side of testing and some results for dessert."

September 2

When you get embarrassed, does your nationality change? What about your birthday?

September 1

Did you know that Malawi used to be known as Nyasaland? Did you know that Malawi has both widespread religious views as well as widespread cases of HIV? I don't know if the two are related but this message has been brought to you as part of Appreciate a Third World Country Day.

August 28

Rotting food is like a bitter ex. It seems to shout out, "Fine!!! Go ahead and leave me but I am going to cause a huge stink as I go." It never really gets over it either. It just lets the separation eat away at it until there's nothing left.

August 27

Onions never apologize. They don't say, "I'm sorry if I was too forward. Please forgive me for overpowering you." They are just the strong and confident creations they were born to be. I like that.

August 25

Every time I lose a pound or two (on my quest to drop about 30 pounds), my husband surrounds me with heavenly junk like Pepsi & restaurant food and more Pepsi. I say, "But I just started losing weight!" and his reply is, "No wife of mine should be a loser."

August 21

A bargain-hunter's high is like a runner's high...except it doesn't come with any physical benefits...and it also costs more!

August 16

Those grease monkeys that change your oil are people, too.

August 10

I may be the only person in the world dumb enough to stick a tomato in my pocket. We were moving and there was one perfect tomato on our tomato plant so I snatched it and put it in my pocket, thinking there was no way I could forget about a delicious home-grown tomato. Everything can be forgotten in a move. At the first stop when I couldn't figure out how my pocket got all wet and I put my hand in it, only to pull it out covered in tomato seeds, that's when I remembered the tomato. Now if only there were a way to sneak tomatoes into other people's pockets...

August 9

There are two things that bother me about those bumper stickers that say "Start seeing motorcycles." First of all, you never see these bumper stickers on motorcycles themselves, only on cars. Isn't that like a steak declaring, "Start seeing chicken thighs!"? Secondly, why don't we get bumper stickers that say "Start seeing law enforcement vehicles!"? That little reminder would be pretty helpful. I don't know of a single person that appreciates getting a ticket.

August 8

Today's 8-8. I like that. It's friendly. One side doesn't have to be ahead or behind the other.

As part of Make Up a Ridiculous Story Day...

Twice upon a time, there lived a beautiful peasant. She thought her food supplies were low and she set out for the market to refresh them. She searched the kingdom for coupons but they hadn't been invented yet so she decided she would just try to barter. When she got to the market, she was surprised to find that the seafood stand with the freshest of fish had been replaced by an Omega-3 supplement supplier that claimed their fish-oil pills didn't taste fishy at all (but just wait for the burps!). Her favorite produce stand was replaced by a smoothie shop. Her most relished of stops, the chocolate shop had been replaced by an assortment of chocolate calcium chews. As a fan of chocolate, these little chewie creations were an insult to anybody with taste buds. The peasant was now fretful. How could she find joy amidst all of these substitutes for real goodness? She then realized how foolish she had been to come to market! She had a dairy cow and a collection of chickens at home. She had a garden as well. She had fallen into the trap of being an unnecessary consumer. She merrily made a large sign to hang in front of her shack that said, "Chickens make good friends and even better dinner." This reminded her of how lucky she was to have company and food all wrapped up into one clucking little bundle. She made another sign that said, "Have you milked your cow today?" This sign was mostly just for humor. Every time she read it she laughed-there's just something funny about milking a cow. She got a tattoo of a strawberry on her ankle because she sure was fond of odd celebrity singing sensations like Katy Perry but mostly she was just hungry for strawberries. The simple life is a beautiful life.

The end.

August 7

For anybody that's had to hear they can have or do something "when pigs fly", I saw this with my own eyes.

August 6

Humans could learn a great deal from praying mantises. When males wish to mate, they approach the female gently and carefully. They know she is not one to mess with or upset. They give her a little back rub with their antennaes. If they do a good job, they mate with her and stay alive. If they don't do a good job, they get their head bitten off.

August 5

I think if I could be any other living thing, it would be a caterpillar. They just get to eat and eat eat and really fatten up good, enjoying all of their surroundings and then they go on vacation for a few weeks. By the end of their vacation, a thin, flirty, beautiful butterfly emerges that can soar to great heights and never worry about surpassing their prime. That would be the life!

August 3

This one time at the nursing home...
(Oh the stories I could tell that start with that!)

August 2

When people say, "You've got a good head on your shoulders," is the "on your shoulders" part really necessary??? Is there any other location that would be suitable? I've never heard of somebody having a good head on their elbows or knees or under their armpit or anything like that.

July 31

If ignorance is such bliss, then shouldn't you be happier?

July 27

So I'm fascinated by armpits. Is that so wrong?

July 26

The day may come when I can no longer blame everything on mental illness.

July 25

Why does getting fat taste so good?

July 22

Some people grow a little hair on their feet. I get that but when people have hairstyles for their feet hair, that's where my understanding runs out.

July 17

Phonecall to boss:

Me: "Um, I'm not coming into work today. I'm troubled."

Boss: "You're calling in troubled?"

Me: "Yep."

Boss: Really long silence...

Me: Click.

I highly recommend this practice.

July 11

If the way you present your business is a type of marketing, what it to be said for a bar that has up flashing Christmas lights in July and they are the most crookedly-hung lights you ever saw? Maybe the message is 'the alcohol worked'???

Independence Day

A firework is an underappreciated martyr. It makes the ultimate sacrifice, going up in flames just to provide a service to others. The only bad thing is if you give fireworks their own day, such as some martyrs have been given, it only sacrifices more fireworks.

June 23

Can birds have a fetish for humans on bikes? This morning as I was out on a little bike ride, this bird started freaking out. It was making some strange sounds (mating calls?) and flying right by my head for about a whole entire block. I rode for a while and came back the same way, having forgotten about the bird until it started going crazy again, flying right next to me for a bit. That poor little bird was doing its best to croon out a little Marvin Gaye. If only he could have known I'm married...

Father's Day

What if every man in the world became fertile on Father's Day, regardless of their fertility factor the rest of the year???

June 5

I'm learning that when people give out their web addresses, it's just making conversation or it's just for the sake of appearances. If you actually GO to that address and mention it to them, they act like you are a super psycho cyber stalker. I respond, "It was just listed on facebook and I was curious." They often reply, "Yeah, it was listed on facebook but nobody's actually ever GONE there before!" Who knew?

June 4

I was looking at my foot from a distance this morning and saw the cutest little vein. I'd never noticed it before-it was so thin and seemed to be a slightly different color than the others...um, yeah. It was a hair.

May 30

This morning I sat in an office that had one of those super cutesy posters. It had three flowers and under each was one word: believe, hope, and dream but the glass was split at the bottom corner and several cracks had started spreading. I loved seeing that broken glass across those words and then I thought somebody should come along and etch the word REALITY right on top of those other words and leave the cracks there forever.

May 29

I don't believe we call birds the thieves that they are often enough. I didn't mind them stealing the worms from my grass or even eating our currents when we had them. I didn't mind them picking out our grapes but I'm irrate about them eating our strawberries. Get a job, you lazy bums and quit mooching off of me.

May 27

I vaguely remember a time when I used to see much better but now it's such a blur.

May 25

Somehow I managed to avoid most of the drama kids in high school but now I wish I'd been friends with them. I could use a little drama, but not in my own life.

May 24

On Hollywood Blvd. in Los Angeles, names of famous people are on the stars that line the sidewalk there. It's tough to imagine that the Smothers Brothers envisioned homeless people frequenting their stars. Bob Hope didn't know how hopeless the spot of his star would one day be, covered in the filth and grime of the city. It's a city that's a gamble. A few dreams come true there but many more are broken. It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to swim in their public pool.

May 17

Sometimes I feel bad when I crack an egg open. Bashing something open, stealing what's inside, and then leaving the outer shell to rot just seems like criminal behavior.

May 16

I decided to go green when it comes to make-up removers. Instead of using harsh soaps or chemicals, I let the sun burn my skin and then just peel off the whole top layer of skin entirely. It feels like I'm really getting everything off and I don't even have to exfoliate!

May 15

How many guns do I own, you ask? I don't know. Probably one or two. It's not like I count them every day.

May 14

Today several family members went to the hospital at the same time to visit a relative there. When we were going down the elevator together, we nearly filled it. One woman deliberated about whether to fit in there with us or wait but she opted to squish in between all of us. As a family we decided we'd meet back tomorrow for Elevator Day. We will just stay on the elevator all day to see if people get on in spite of the crowd or wait. Imagine if they choose to wait only to find out "Surprise! We're still ALL on the elevator!" I picture two possible outcomes: 1)increased stair use and 2)new elevator rules at the hospital.

May 12

Sometimes it's just better to look on the bright side. When I got mugged and ended up with knife wounds, a swollen left side of the face, and a broken wrist, I actually felt quite content. It felt like a blessing to have all of my money and identification removed. I hadn't realized how dependent I'd been on them but now I know I can live without them. It's tricky-I can't get an apartment or any food to eat but I know more about soup kitchens and dumpster diving than I ever did before and learning anything new is part of gaining an education. Yeah, I'm glad I got mugged.

May 8

What? There's valet parking now at Wal-mart?

May 7

Sometimes life has a way of balancing out. On the one hand, my kids were hit by a car today, which was bad. On the other hand, I found my checkbooks which I'd been looking for, which was good.

May 6

Have you ever gone so long without a foot massage that you find yourself feeding crumbs to the ants outside just so they'll wiggle around under your feet? I can't say it's free because the cost of those crumbs add up but it's an inexpensive alternative to the traditional foot rub.

May 5

This morning when I was jogging, there were snails all over the sidewalk. I yelled to them, "Snails! Hurry and move!" but the snails were too slow so it ended with a squish. Hey, I warned them.

May 3

I don't normally like vegetables but as part of my plan to be healthier, I've been trying them dipped in tempura batter and fried...I may end up healthier after all.

May 1

I'm committing to a healthier life so from now on I will only eat whole grain donuts.

April 30

When you realize you've just lost 2 hours of your life to playing solitaire, you start to justify it to youself. You start to think unreasonable things like "I was practicing my problem-solving skills" or "I don't think sharpening your mind is a waste of time."

April 29

When you don't really run on social juice, the worst thing a teacher can say is, "We're going to break into groups now." The only way they can make it worse is to say, "Choose your own groups."

April 28

You know the typical story of an average guy going along and something makes him completely snap? I'd like to read the untraditional story about the crazy guy going along and something suddenly clicks him out of insanity and he gets back to normal.

April 24

Why is it that you don't hear many people walking around talking about how delicious an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie is?

April 23

I have learned a sure-fire was to make platonic guests uncomfortable: ask them if they'd like to shower at your house. Works every time.

April 22

I think it's great when people breastfeed their child for a certain length of time but when I hear about somebody breastfeeding a dog, I believe it's time to end the tolerance. Let me be the first to campaign against humans nursing animals of any kind, especially fish.

April 21

For my nephew's birthday, one family member called him at 8:30 a.m. to wish him happy birthday. She woke him up. I wanted to call him before the day was over but it was 11:30 p.m. when things slowed down enough to call. I crossed my fingers and hoped he'd have his phone off if he was sleeping and I could leave him a voicemail but I also woke him up to wish him happy birthday. I was so embarrassed about being his second birthday wakeup call that I couldn't even belt out a long and loud version of happy birthday like I usually do. I hope he can wait for that until next year.

April 20

I've had a tough time sleeping. I just couldn't seem to get comfortable but I believe I found the cure. Ever since I purchased a coffin, I've been sleeping like a lazy cat. It's surprising how comfortable it is. It really feels like I could sleep forever...

April 19

Do you ever have those moments in which you think, "What if I just did x, y, or z?" For instance, "What if I just swerved this car into oncoming traffic?", "What if I just walked up to that stranger and kissed them on the cheek", "What if I just got up in the middle of Target and announced an immediate meeting for consumers?" I wish there were a way to control other people into doing those crazy things that cross my mind sometimes and I could sit back, relax, and videotape all of it.

April 17

Today I lost my driver's license. I found out it's cheaper to get a new identity on the black market than it is to go to the DMV and replace my license. Who doesn't like a new start, right?

Tax Day

Once upon a time there was a man who went to do his taxes right on April 15, dreading what he would have to reluctantly hand over to the government. His bad attitude really got him in trouble because based upon little jokes he made during the tax process while a police officer did his taxes at the adjoining booth, he was arrested "on suspicion of terrorism." Everybody involved knew he wasn't a terrorist but the police officer had been sick of all the jokes going around about them and wanted to do his part to put an end to it. (It's events like this that give Tax Day such a bad name.) I have a heart so I went to see the man falsely imprisoned so he wouldn't feel so lonely. While there, I took the liberty of telling him how I got my taxes done early and got a huge refund and I'm using the money to take a lush vacation at a sunny destination. I tried to go deeply into each detail to make for better conversation but the man's fury grew and grew. By the end, I think he would have killed me but there was really thick glass there between us so I just smiled and waved goodbye to him. I don't think the incident will make his parole any more likely.

April 14

Sometimes I'm not perfect at painting and I get little bumps in the wall. I wonder about if I painted myself and stood against the wall, would anybody recognize me or would they just think, "She did another bumpy job of painting"?

April 12

Every once in a while I have a night in which my eye makes a crust while I sleep and I have to wipe it away when I wake up, which is no easy task. While eye crust is a sturdy substance, I'd have to decline recommending its use in a pie.

April 10

I'm a strong believer in agency and vegetables. My kids don't like to eat their vegetables at dinner but I think it's important to let them choose for themselves so I get out a gun and say, "I'd like you to choose. Would you like to eat your vegetables and continue living or would you like to throw them away so I can use this gun?" It's amazing. They always choose to eat their vegetables. I dread the day they're old enough to realize it's a water gun. After all, it is fluorescent orange.

April 8

There's a big market for birth control-everybody's heard of it and millions of people use it...what I'd really like to get my hands on is a little death control.

April 3

A car and pet wash?!? I don't know who's been up late pounding down the booze. "It feels so good to have a clean car. Now if only Fido were clean, too. Wait a second, I might have something here..."

April 2

We were never very nice to our younger sister. Every other sibling complains about her, gets annoyed when she's around, and likes to spread mean gossip about her. Sometimes I wonder if it's because she doesn't exist.

March 31

Some people are better at pretending to be somebody they aren't than they are at trying to be themselves without a clue as to who that really is.

March 30

Homework kills trees!

March 29

"Apocalypse" is one of the funnest words to say and it sounds important. It's weird though because "a pocket of lips" sounds similar but it doesn't sound important. It sounds useless. Interesting.

March 28

Chocolate covered olives are not as gross as people would think.

March 26

Sometimes it's very difficult to hear other people over the sound of myself thinking to myself about...myself.

March 25

Even as an adult I like to hide in clothing racks and carefully untie shopper's shoes. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book but seeing somebody trip over their own laces just never gets old!

March 24

Today I conducted a social experiment. I wore a shirt with a skull on it, which is not typical for me. An older employee at the craft store was not even half as friendly to me as she usually is and the only thing different about me was my shirt. The shirt had a pirate bandana hat and an eye patch-it was pretty cute as far as skulls go. My mom was the most shocked of the people I know. That made it worth it.

March 23

Burps are honest. I have never known one to tell a lie.

March 22

Spring is exciting and beautiful. The weather warms up enough, it feels a bit like coming out of hibernation. To celebrate that, I like to go into the mountains and scare the campers-growl, stomp around, shake their tents or trailers, ransack their food supply...I always leave a note though wishing them a happy bear season.

March 21

Sometimes as I'm out for a stroll, I get the impression that I'd like to lead a marching band right down the neighborhood I'm walking in. Out of nowhere, a band appears and I am able to lead them and witness the shocked look on the neighbors' faces. I guess when you're one with the universe, you're one.

March 20

Are vampires real? Today I was eating a banana and it started to look an awful lot like a vampire. Halfway through I had to say outloud, "Am I biting you or are you biting me?" I wasn't sure for a minute there but if it did bite me, I don't think it got enough venom into my system. I haven't felt any supernatural changes occur.

March 19

I'm not much of a cook but I like to try so when people visit, I enjoy putting a pan on the stove and creating something new. I feel so talkative as I add whatever my hands find in the kitchen to the dish: potatoes, sour cream, frozen blueberries, a handful of crackers, black licorice, a squirt of dish soap, anything that I distractedly find during my conversations. I do have to be a little more careful about letting the kitchen scissors end up in the food. Those don't taste as good as other things I've added.

March 18

I might get kicked out of the circus for saying this but I hate show tunes. Perhaps it's because my neighbor used to beat his wife to them. When "Hello Dolly" was cranked, the punches were certain to follow. "Oklahoma" to me is a signal that the police are on their way and "Memories" is a pre-cursor for a trip to the hospital for that poor woman. Yeah, show tunes are just creepy.

St. Patty's Day

If we say "top of the morning to you", then are we implying "bottom of the evening to you" as well? and why do we pretend to be Irish to get kissed-who is out there thinking they would never kiss somebody in a million years and then suddenly finds out the person is Irish and changes their mind? "Well, if only you'd mentioned you were Irish a little sooner..."

March 16

I do not care for macaroni and cheese. Frequently I'm out visiting people when I'm offered this. The perfect reply is, "Do you know how many noodles were used to make it?" to which the reply is almost certainly, "No." My response is, "I just don't eat mac and cheese with unaccounted for noodles but thank you for the offer."

March 15

I really like the way my foot looks in a white sock. This practically qualifies me for any authoritative position across the nation.

March 14

I have an obLession with addLing extra L's to words and I really just can't stop. SLome of my fLavorites include:

slurpLees at sLeven eleven,

sLin cLity

bLurger kLing

kLids, vacLation, cLoordination, bLoxer, cLouncil, exLit, sLouth, pLeople, offLice, fLactory, bLig, bLangerter or banglerter, radio shLack, sLears, healthcLare, markLeting, microsLoft, nintendLo, sLony, bLox, bLaby...I think you gLet the idea.

Friday the 13th

Sometimes I tend to get impatient when people make me wait for no apparent reason but I found a new way to make myself more patient. I picture the slow person in a fire trying to get out. The longer it takes them, the more they burn.

March 12

The idea of plastic surgery has always left me in awe...I mean, surgery performed with plastic tools really does seem amazing! It's just that somebody burst my bubble-they said the surgery is performed with regular medical equipment, including metal tools! What's the world's obsession with that? There's nothing special about plastic surgery after all.

March 11

I have tobacco prevention on my mind. I still enjoy the stories I've heard from long ago of parents or grandparents who forced their children to smoke a whole pack of smokes at once. I have never heard of an instance in which that did not do the job...but what age do you purchase the cigarettes for the child's birthday? Nothing says happy birthday to a child like a life lesson.

March 10

For those of you that are having children soon or in the future, it's a good idea to name your sons Grandpa and your daughters Grandma. For one thing, you can tell people that your Grandpa or Grandma lives with you and they will think you are quite nurturing. For another thing, just think how funny it will be when the neighbor kids ask their mom if they can go play with Grandpa all the time! But you could never hurt your children because society doesn't look kindly on people who sucker punch Grandma...

March 9

We call people "quiet" when what they really are is "unstable." Everybody likes to tell everybody else what they did over the weekend...except for that one person, you know, the "quiet one." I bet they really don't speak up because they know what they did would really freak folks out but we don't pry. We just call them quiet and that's not right.

March 8

Every day I save up the pain and hurt of the day and at 11:59 p.m., I let it out as I cry for exactly two minutes, ending at 12:01 a.m. I start this at 11:59 every other evening so that when I get those online surveys that ask me when the last time I cried was, I can always put "today." I think when people read this, they find me very sweet and sensitive.