December 23

If I were dying and somebody else was there and there were at least 5 minutes, I'd ask them if we could hug each other and I'd sing, "I just died in your arms tonight." If there were enough time, I'd write one last verse detailing what it feels like to die in somebody's arms.

December 16

The most innovative potty-training invention I can think of is to have some kind of special thermometer inside the toilet. Kids would love to make the temperature rise and I know a few adults that might find that on the fun side as well.

December 15

I think people use the phrase "common cents" because we're in a recession, that's why they don't say "common dollars." Why do we want everybody to have common cents though? Why can't people just have their own cents?

December 6

My favorite part of the holiday season is seeing which candy I can give the neighbors to choke on. There's something magical about hearing the sirens, seeing those ambulance Christmas lights, and knowing I'm responsible. I love the holidays!

November 29

I actually don't think it's all that outlandish to need chapstick late at night, walk to the junk drawer in the dark to get it, and accidentally apply glue stick all over my lips. Chapstick might not be as irreplaceable as I once thought.

November 26

A web site just suggested that the perfect gift for neighbors is a coupon book filled with offers for service, such as free house sitting. We haven't met several of our neighbors yet and I think those ones would especially enjoy that.

November 17

From inside my house, when leaves fall from the trees, their shadows look like tiny little bodies falling from the roof and thudding to the ground. I always want to run outside and see what happened. I listen for the sirens but they never come. Are other leaves sent to the "morgue" to identify their friends or family members? I'm amazed that everybody just goes about their lives when there are piles of these dead "bodies" all over the city.

November 13

Why aren't there encores at funerals? Good music is good music and if somebody performs a great song, I do believe the audience should stand up, clap, scream a little, and demand more...and if this happens to occur at a funeral, well, who is it really bothering?

October 27

Do you think there are superheroes in the spider world? Perhaps a spider than can spin an uber web quickly is the equivalent of a human throwing a rope to the next building and swinging over. Are spiders that get killed while on a special mission martyrs?

October 20

I enjoyed synchronized driving on the freeway with the hubby the other night. We drove matching cars and did graceful harmonious hand and foot motions out of the windows and sunroofs. Other vehicles didn't seem to fully appreciate or realize the art we were providing but it was there. It was there.

October 11

When I was a kid, Mama took us for a lot of walks. She got so sick of stopping for us to get rocks out of our shoes that she told us when oysters get something irritating them, they just hold onto it for a long, long time and it becomes a pearl so we should try to make a pearl, too, and just keep walking. All these years later and when I got a rock in my shoe this morning, I just kept walking and wondering what color my pearl would turn out to be.

October 6

Nothing says, "I didn't get the dishes done" like eating ice cream on a plate with a fork...

September 23

Grandma only had 1 boyfriend...and she married him.
Almost everybody I know went through several boyfriends before the wedding date.
Grandpa worked one job. I think he called it a career.
Almost everybody I know has been through enough jobs they have to think to count them all.
Grandma has the same phone number she's had since moving into her house when my mom was 8 years old.
We can't seem to keep the same phone number for more than 5 years.
We sure seem like a restless generation...

September 17

I've heard of a makeup artist and I've heard of an escape artist. They say people can be anything they want these days. I'd like to be a makeup-escape artist. I will escape makeup artistically. Now how do I get my own show?

September 10

Sometimes things have a way of working out. Our son got potty-trained just in time to return a big box of diapers, which gave us money to buy my dad a birthday present. Life must be a circle of good luck.

September 9

The librarian's quirks:
-Had several conversations with herself, unless she thought she was conversing with the books...
-Randomly mentioned cats-big cat lady...
-She has a fun meter-there's a little fun to be had but when the meter's out, it is OUT-there will be no more fun!
-Thinks a book makes an ideal best friend. So sad...no book would encourage you to jump off a bench in Wal-mart, doing a toe-touch on your way down...
-Thinks trips to historical sites are a big adventure. Who needs Disneyland when there's the Liberty Bell?

Labor Day

I've learned that sometimes in life you can't always ride your bicycle for the whole day all over town with your seat belt on and the pedal to the metal uphill both ways in the fast lane-that's too exhausting. You can, however, sit on somebody else's handlebars and demand that they push you around.

September 2

You know how you can tell that you're going to lose at Solitaire but you keep playing anyway? There are NO aces and you just keep thinking, "somehow this might work out" or that overused phrase "you never know..." Well, guess what? You do know-You Will Lose!!!

Today

With chapstick flavors like strawberry, mint, watermelon, cherry ice, citrus blend, Dr. Pepper, and pina colada, I went in search of jalapeno chapstick. I've had no luck.

August 4

Sometimes I think I might be in love with Carbon Monoxide. When I spend a lot of time with him, he just seems to take my breath away. If we spend too much time together, I know I'll end up sleeping with him.

July 16

If I could obtain bruises in a slightly more strategic manner, I might actually start to look like I have a tan.

July 5

You know what every nursing home and senior living center is in desperate need of? A good paintball competition!

Independence Day

Maybe today's holiday should be known by two names. Not all citizens in this country are independent so those citizens should probably refer to it as "The Government is my Sugar Daddy Day".

July 2

I have a talent so raw, many naysayers claim it's not even a talent. I can make people feel uncomfortable. I tried out for a talent show and this is how it went:
Judges: What talent will you be displaying for us today?
Me: I can make people feel uncomfortable.
Judges (looking confused): Okay, proceed.
Me: (Harnessing my talent silently and using it on the audience, I just stood there using my talent for about 30 seconds and I'm fairly certain everybody from the audience to the judges was feeling quite uncomfortable)
Judges: Um, you can sit down now. You shouldn't be in this competition-you didn't do anything.
Me: Did you or did you not feel uncomfortable?
Judges: You may sit now!
People are afraid to even admit to the talent I have, a talent so strong that it's almost a superpower.
Next talent competition contestant:
Him: I can pee on myself but I have to turn around because it would feel disrespectful to pee in front of you...
Judges: (Wild applause)

July 1

The more beat up the vehicle, the sweeter the driver. Isn't that right? Please go along with this thought because every time I sneak out to that heap knowing I have to drive it around town, this is the pep talk I give myself. I should get a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sweet." If nobody honked though, I'd have to come up with a new pep talk...

June 30

Why do restaurants make up cutesy words for foods? I know they name menu items these silly things just so they laugh when you ask for a "sconenut" or the "hula salad." Do they think you want to ask for "The Big Slab" or "The Texas Manhandler"? It would seem you should pick up an accent if you're going to order "The Ragin' Cajun" or a wrestling announcer's voice to order "The Gargantuan". Where I come from, you just want to ask for a hamburger and tell them what you want on it but some places want you to request things like the "Burnin' Love Burger" or say, "Give it to me animal style please." I didn't even know saying that to a stranger was legal! If pasta's your thing, you may have to ask for the "Tour of Italy" or if you want pizza, you could end up requesting a "Cable Car" or "Garlic Festival". All this writing about food is making me hungry. Maybe I should go get myself a "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity" but if I feel like too much of a pansy saying that, I can fall back on an order of "Viva La French Toast" from the same establishment. Kids may have to order a "Funny Face" and seniors may have to ask for a "Rise & Shine". Restaurant people, this is getting out of hand. Maybe I'll just cook at home to save myself some embarrassment. I sure hope I can find my recipe for "Great Auntie's Finger-Lickin'-Til-There's-Nothin'-Left-Stickin'-Chicken".

June 15

Over the weekend, I learned that my aunt has a racist dog. It got upset when some workers in the area were playing music in Spanish. My aunt got curious and told her son to speak Portuguese to the dog. The dog was really upset about that, too. The dog had no tolerance for differences. I guess it's time for a little diversity training for animals.

June 11

I don't know everything about the law but I had heard you are supposed to serve an eviction notice when you have to kick somebody out of their home. Yesterday I decided to chop down a tree that wasn't too healthy thanks to all of the insect invaders who would party all day long there but nobody could seem to take care of the place and they just let it fall apart. I still wanted to follow the law though so I tried to show the bugs a little sign I'd made that said they had 10 minutes to re-locate. However, it seemed to be an illiterate group so I just made an announcement to them. I made it into a song because hearing bad news in a song always makes it seem like better news. It's funny though because it really took me closer to 45 minutes to cut that thing down so they had plenty of notice.

June 3

What kind of bachelor party do men over 50 have? Do they sometimes invite their closest friends and meet up at the hospital for a group colonoscopy session? Talk about a cleanse before the big day! The invitations probably say, "Please attend my 'butt'chalor party..."

May 22

I've never met a person that doesn't like movie theater popcorn-everybody likes it. That's why my dilemma for what to give as a wedding present has now been solved. Oh, I think the bride and groom will be so surprised and also happy.

May 21

The other day, my husband & I hunted around the house. Both of us could smell the strong stench of insect killer but neither of us claimed to have sprayed it. The awful aroma was overwhelming and I was deeply concerned for our well-being with all those chemicals in the air. That's when my husband arrived upon the lilac-scented diffuser I'd purchased & set out the day before. I think they got that smell wrong!!! I'd just wrapped 3 of them for birthdays this month but I got to open all the presents and retrieve the smell of death. I wonder what the company meeting was like before that product launch:
Employee 1: I don't think we got this smell quite right. In fact, your lifespan would probably be significantly reduced by sniffing this.
Employee 2: Well, we are on a deadline. Let's just send it out how it is.
Employee 3: Don't add those scratch & sniff stickers to this batch or we'll never make any money!

May 6

I'm really not a morning person like I used to be. When seeing the boxes of Cheerios at the grocery store, I got annoyed because maybe people don't want a "bowl of cheer" in the morning, you know? Maybe some mornings all we want to do is pour ourselves a big bowl of Suicidalos...

April 21

I have a great tip for people short on time like me that want to take care of their yard but also exercise. Try combining jogging and mowing the lawn. It may become a new cross-training competition in the near future so watch for that.

April 15-Tax Day

I think the federal government is one of the few "businesses" that doesn't have to send it's clients an itemized bill. What are we paying for exactly? Nobody knows yet we'll still just send the money to the big "mystery fund" just so we don't get thrown in jail.

Government tactics would never work in a marriage. If I spent 15-25% of my husband's paycheck and couldn't tell him exactly where the money was going, things would get a little rocky. Vague answers like, "A little went to education and a little went to help Susie because she's still unemployed and a little went to pay for some people who've never owned a home before to have a little help..." would not cut it. But the government can get away with it.

Businesses could never get away with it either. If businesses bullied people by telling them they had to pay or go to jail, even if they didn't understand what they were paying for, the whole barter system might once again be a thing of the present, not just the past.

Government is smart, very smart and they keep things simple: Just ask us to pay without any specifics and threaten to send us to jail if we don't. Hire a few people to check and make sure people did what they were told, and reap the financial rewards of it all.

Happy Tax Day!

April 13

I don't understand all this talk about retirement and 401(k)s. We cash out the 401(k) every few years so we can take a good trip to Disneyland. I assumed the whole concept was the government's way of encouraging us to take vacations since most of us don't save very well without a little help.

April Fools

I can't believe all that's happened today!

*One nephew won 25 tickets to the monster truck show.

*Another nephew had emergency surgery following his check-up today.

*My brother-in-law won U2 tickets and a trip to Europe to see them.

*My sister-in-law was on Good Morning America.

*Another brother-in-law shot somebody in a prison fight.

*My mom went from being a legal secretary to being an attorney (the nice word for lawyers).

*A sister-in-law got her teeth knocked out doing a cartwheel at work.

*Another sis-in-law had the misfortune of needing an eye transplant when the Easter bunny stabbed her with a carrot.

*My brother was nominated for an honorary degree from a local university.

*My sister's boyfriend fed penguins today.

*My sister's cat was featured on America's funniest home videos.

*A sister-in-law's basement flooded.

*My brother finally booked a trip to Mexico.

*Another brother hit a dog today.

*Two of my friends are pregnant. One of them just had a baby girl a couple weeks ago but the doctors discovered there's a brother in the oven baking, ready to come out. Will they still be considered twins if they're born a few weeks apart?

*Another friend won the lottery.

*My husband had an accident and may need surgery.

*I made ice cream sandwiches for my friend and left all 57 of them on her doorstep.

*A friend's mother just found her birth certificate and she's not 40 after all-she's only 37!

I took the liberty of posting all of this news on each person's facebook page. If only there were more time in the day to share ALL of the news...

March 31

Why aren't pharmaceutical companies required to list the calories on their medications? Of most concern are liquid medications. Maybe knowing the calories could help make the final decision of whether or not to take the medication.

It would be interesting to know how many calories are in diet pills. Maybe it's only 5 calories or so but some of the girls obsessed with dieting that I've met might be deterred by just 5 calories.

Maybe some people that overdose on cough syrup would really think twice if they knew that a bottle of syrup had 2,000 calories in it.

March 27

The greatest trick I have learned about being around people when you don't know what to say is to brag. This is particularly effective when you're around somebody you don't know very well. You don't really have to think up new things to say. Just listen to what they say and then top it.

-"That's the job I do, too...but I probably get paid more than you..."

-"I used to drive a car like that but nobody was impressed so I upgraded..."

-"I love to run, too, but I prefer to add push-ups at the same time, wouldn't want to be called lazy..."

If you run into the obstacle of another person not saying anything, a few ice breakers are:

-"I've always been so popular..."

-"I get mistaken for a famous person all the time..."

-"I've never been dumped, only done the dumping..."

It's surprising how those little tidbits can really jumpstart a long and meaningful friendship. Just remember, the world may be full of friendly faces but none of them are as remarkable as yours and you should never be afraid to tell people more about that.

March 11

I had shepherd's pie for dinner last night-holy yum!!! I liked it so much I'm thinking of changing professions-sheep are kind of cute. I have a relatively small yard but I guess that will make it easier to keep track of them. I'll have to find other people in my community with sheep though so my sheep and their sheep can have play dates.

March 7

Gymnastics is the kind of sport that leaves so many unanswered questions.

How did the first person discover & popularize the balance beam? Did they have a few boards propped up on something and too much time on their hands and before you know it, they were inviting people over saying, "Look what I can do"? And then did somebody say, "Well, that's nothin'-check THIS out" and they started the first balance beam competition?

What do fellow gymnasts say to each other after a routine? Do they say things like, "Wow, you sure are great at flipping"? or "I liked the way you went around and around on the bars"?

How does a male coach of female gymnastics get a wife? How does a man tell a woman, "I want to guide cute, young girls who prance around in leotards and I want to do it in a very hands-on sort of way" and have her okay with that?

Finally and perhaps the biggest question of all is this-would it be more difficult to be married to a man who's a gynecologist or a female gymnastics coach?

February 21

Nobody should feel like others wouldn't understand what they're going through. That's why when somebody throws up and I smell it, I always start puking, too. I think it really helps them.

February 18

If you add just one tiny little extra "R" to scared, you get scarred. Neither one is good but which one is worse?

February 4

I've been thinking I like chili. For years I've thought chili is a delicious food. Have you ever tried a bite of plain chili? Oh wow! That stuff is nasty! That stuff is horrendous. What I think I like is cheese and sour cream...that's what's had me fooled into thinking I like chili for all these years.

January 28

I've noticed now there is pressure even on TVs to be thin!!! TVs have come a long way in the last few years. It's amazing the inches we've trimmed but it's just never enough, is it? Now we have to have the "ultra" slim because slim is just not cutting it. When TVs feel the need to be anorexic, I'm concerned. Some of those poor TVs try saying, "I can't help it. I was born big and I've been on the big side my whole life" while the starving TVs ignore them and their sorry "excuses." At least TVs of all sizes can live vicariously through cheeseburger commercials!

January 17

It took having major abdominal surgery for me to realize how much everybody seems to brag with their body language. These are some of the body language messages I've received:

-"Look at me! I can stretch my arms all the way behind my head without breaking. Ha ha-you can't."

-"Wow, I can't believe how incredibly comfortable it feels to just lie right down on my back and know that I will be able to get up again, too."

-"I'm better than you because I walk standing straight up and at a youthful pace while you are bent and slower than my grandma."

One day when I'm healed, I will find somebody weaker than me so I can brag with my body language, too.

January 16

Experts say that REM sleep is important and very good for you. Sometimes when I just haven't managed to get a good night's rest, I like to close my eyes and move them back and forth rapidly under my eyelids so I can try to reap some REM benefits without the sleep. I think it helps me feel a little more energized.

January 15

My new year's resolution last year was to stop licking my fingers off when I was eating or baking. I didn't change another thing and I lost 92 pounds! Sometimes it's the simple things that really make the difference.

January 14

Did you ever think about hair "fall"icles? No wonder why hair falls out!!!

January 12

Tonight we gathered for a family party and I learned a very important lesson there: No matter how old I've grown, I'm never too old to damage my parent's things.

January 4

Mmm...cereal mixed with melted marshmallows and margarine is, in theory, the perfect way to use up all kinds of cereal that otherwise doesn't get eaten-Rice Krispies, Cheerios, Corn Flakes. I can't wait to make Grape Nuts treats!