December 3

I think we've given plenty of thought and publicity to synchronized swimming. It's about time to expand our horizons. It's time for synchronized customer service calls. What an art that would be! It's also time for synchronized fish-gutting. Wouldn't that be beautiful?!

December 2

Have you ever gone tanning and thought, "Oh no! What if I pee a little on accident while I'm in here?" That's never happened to me either.

October 28

Why don't sports teams have a pomegranate as their mascot? Those fruits are so hard to break apart! Having that as a mascot would really send an intimidating message to the opposing team!

October 28

Why are flyswatters bright colors? It's like the manufacturers of them are on the side of all the flies. "Let's make these in bold, bright colors so that any time somebody wants to kill a fly with them, the flies can get away because they will see the big, bright color coming right at them and have plenty of time to escape!" If they really wanted us to kill flies, they would have made them camouflage through the air. They would have made them clear. That way the flies would think, "That's a weird shaped chunk of air," and then BAM! End of fly problem.

October 18

Airports are like hospitals. Short & infrequent visits can do some good but it's not a place you want to be on a regular basis.

A Stray...

I wish I could focus better. Sometimes I just get so distracted that

October 12

*Do you burn more calories when your face turns red? After all, blood does have to pump harder into your face...

*Want that "haunted house" experience but can't pony up the cash? Just leave me a message and I will be more than happy to haunt your house for a day or two. It's the economical alternative to a good spook.

*If you are ever feeling lonely and just need a moment's rush of feeling superior (which is not something you should need so stop reading)...just drive to the airport and laugh at all the people who are waiting and waiting but it seems like nobody has or will arrive to pick them up. Yell things like, "You might as well rent a car, loser!" I hope you didn't read all of this because that's just mean.

September 28

My kid has a financial plan. There's a toy he wants and he just needs to lose 4 more teeth quickly to be able to afford it.

June 1 again

This kind of sums up my recent experience using KSL.com classifieds to sell a swing set.

Most of you have probably seen "People of Walmart." I think there is another clearly defined group of people lurking right here near the Salt Lake Valley known as the People of the KSL Classifieds. Here are a few ways you can be sure you have met some of these people once you've posted an ad on KSL.

-They call you seven times in a row.

-They have a list of absurd and irrelevant questions about the product you're selling (i.e. If you're selling a toaster, they ask how long it can be in the toasting position before it lights on fire)

-They aren't actually fluent in English. It's quite possible they're not actually fluent in any language.

-You tell them that you'll only give them your address if they can pick it up immediately and they agree to do so and then when you give them your address at 2 in the afternoon, they say, "My husband works until 5 and we live in American Fork so we'll come by when he gets home from work."

-You state in the ad you will not deliver and they ask if you can deliver.

-You state in the ad they should bring a truck and they show up with a minivan.

-You state in the ad that the price is firm and when they show up, they ask if you can take less money.

-You have over 250 views and about 45 calls within a few hours and they ask if they can pay half of the asking price.

-They tell you they want it really bad but they are very busy for some reason or other so they need you to hold it for them for a while.

-They expect help disassembling the item because you told them to bring a truck and they showed up with a minivan.

-They ask if you have anything else you'd like to sell them while they're there.

-You mark the item sold and people keep calling.

-After telling a caller the item is sold, the caller says, "But I really wanted that!"

-After telling a caller the item is sold, the caller asks who you sold it to, as if I collect business cards. I sold it to whoever showed up with the money the fastest, douche bag.

-After telling a caller the item is sold and has been picked up, the caller asks if they can be next in line in case it falls through.

How do you know that you've PURCHASED from these kind of people?

When you call to ask about the item (let's just say it's a dishwasher), they tell you every last detail of their life including where they work and their schedule. When you get a little creeped out and ask them to just meet you at a gas station, they insist that they and their spouse meet you & your spouse and then they suggest swinging as a possibility. When you don't respond but are just glad the whole thing is over with, they call you at home because "they haven't heard from you in a while. Please call any time to catch up." Dude, I just wanted your dishwasher. I didn't want your "dishwasher" if you know what I mean.

KSL.com Classifieds, I think it's time you & I break up. It's just not working out.

June 1

I guess now would be a good time to catch up so here's what some of my thoughts have been (if you haven't already read them on Facebook):

*If when people picked sports teams, the captains picked for the OTHER team, a lot of people would no longer be the last ones picked...

*I met an elderly lady in the grocery store today that says she doesn't have Alzheimers-she has sometimers because she only loses it some of the time.

*If you get mug shots taken, please smile and try to look your best. Nothing is more depressing than an ugly criminal.

*How many ladies choose the length of their skirt based on how recently they shaved?

*What if pets got together for drinks at night and blew off steam about all the stupid things their masters did that day? Too bad I don't have any pets...

*Every good invention idea I come up with ends up in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store!

*If you want to get a laugh in, show up to an elementary school on a rainy day (well, not if you're too creepy though) and look around at how many kids have broken umbrellas-good times...

*my kid just said he's really good at doing teamwork all by himself. he plays as well with others as i do.

*my daughter's school had a 5k we went to this morning-i pushed my youngest in the stroller for 3 miles and when we were done, he said, "well, that was easy!"

*payday!!! the day that reminds me of what i love about having a job!

*If you forget to put the C in MATCH, You get MATH...so...that's probably a pretty helpful thing to know.

*People always refer to the "window of opportunity" but I think that's just giving crooks a lot of ideas when they see a cracked window.

*My 10 year-old's a genius. She offers to give the family free massages but then she makes us fill out so much paperwork that it's not worth it.

*Dave's Body Shop (7800 South 1300ish West) has the motto: home of the invisible repairs...What?
Person: Wasn't your car in the shop for the last week?
Customer: Yes, it was.
Person: I can't even see any repairs-they must be invisible. Did you go to Dave's???

*This guy I know (we'll call him my husband) was getting frisky and I yelled, "Get off of me!!!" but he replied, "You had me at get off."

*I took a poor person's vacation by deactivating facebook for a week, that's as close as I can come to getting away from it all...for free.

*I love a lot of people moreo, which means more than an oreo.

*I don't like to burp. I used to never do it but then I realized people really like it when I do and I gotta keep the people happy.

*I like to announce movie night by yelling, "Timber....
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
"Ton."
If you missed it, phonetically it ends up being Tim Burton.

*The Cemetary: It's where all the magic happens.

*Everything's romantic when you hold hands...like that time my husband told me about the other woman. I didn't mind because he was holding my hand. Her name, btw, is Worlda Warcraft. What kind of parent names their kid Worlda???

*why do birds chirp at 5:30 in the morning? well, they're always on vacation. they are complete bums-eating worms and fruit out of everybody else's yard & good luck catching them and punishing them for it. they can spend all day hanging out with their friends, nap when they want, fly when they want, live off of the hard work of others. i want to be a bird when i grow up.

*What do you tell your friend when her grandpa's so creepy, you just know he's a pedofile? Can you just drop a card in the mail? Something like..."Had so much fun hanging out with you last weekend. Your hair looked so cute. Your grandpa molests people. Can't wait for karaoke night. See ya then."

*Some people say they don't like to sleep alone. Those are people that never woke up next to a man in the middle of the night and thought, "What's that smell?"

*The only thing more fun than seeing your kids get their Easter baskets is helping them disappear again and watching your kids look for them.

*I'm glad we made the decision a while back to skip public Easter egg hunts. We've taught our kids too many manners for them to have any fun at those things.

*I'm tired of reading books/seeing movies where people live normally and suddenly snap. I want to read/see something where somebody has totally snapped and halfway through they just go back to normal.

*Do doctors ever get together and write each other prescriptions, just for kicks & giggles? Then do they get together again once they've taken those prescriptions just for an unscripted night of funny?

*Finances are low and it would be a good idea to get names & addresses of people who are REALLY blind and then rob them. Even if they did catch me, they couldn't give the police a description.

*We signed the kid up for baseball and they were so desperate that my husband & I are coaching, starting tonight. I'll probably teach those kids many terrible things but baseball will be the least of the lessons they get from me.

*If you want to have a good time at the dentist, ask him several times throughout the visit, "Are you my dad?" When he says no, say something like, "Well, we have the same eyes" and then get input from others in the office to see if they agree. When you leave, say, "Bye Dad!"

*Time for another tip for those pesky dental visits...if you decide you're going to grab the tools and threaten the staff with them, just to spice things up, it's kind of helpful to have paid attention to how to get them to work first. If you say, "I'm going to drill YOU now" and then you have to ask how to turn it on, your dental visit is usually over.

*why would I let a silly little thing like a restraining order my dentist got keep me from having a little fun at his office? good thing he's close enough i can break in at night. :)

*We saw my favorite comedian for $15 a ticket, sat 10 feet away from him for 1 1/2 hours, and talked to him on our way out. What does it cost to see your favorite musician and how far away do you end up being? It's a lot of money for very unlikely interaction. I love how accessible comedians really are!

*I saw a homeless man with an Ipod. How did an Ipod become the priority? I robbed the guy because how would he reach rock bottom and change with nice tunes cheering him up all the time? In unrelated news, I have an Ipod up on e-bay.

*If more people sewed like me and made their own clothes, we'd all get a good daily chuckle.

*When ladies don't shave and then put nylons on, it looks like they tried to stuff a carpet into the nylons, bad idea.

*What is "You'd look cute in that shirt if your face were Asian" supposed to mean???

*I love hearing about awkward compliments. Everybody should give somebody one of those today..."you don't look young at all but you sure do you look wise!"

*I went to a murder mystery party...why am I always assigned to be the floozy??? It just doesn't seem to fi---well, hello there fella...

*If melatonin ran for president, I'd vote for it. Maybe half our problems would get solved if everybody just got a little more sleep. The presidential campaign slogan would be "Let's sleep on it..." State of the Union address would be short..."People are concerned about the budget-let's sleep on it. Some want to approve gay marriage-let's sleep on it. Some changes need to be made in education but let's just sleep on it for now..."

*When somebody says that they're really "pinching their pennies" I feel like I don't want to be their friend anymore. There are a lot of strange habits out there but pinching coins? C'mon, there are better ways to use your time.

*Do people with multiple personality disorder take in too many calories every day trying to feed all those different people?

*So I tried out some "handicap pride" jokes on my husband tonight (because I saw somebody have one of those vinyl stickers of their family and they had their character in a wheelchair-obvious pride, right?) and he gave them the axe. If they're not funny, they're not funny but I really wanted to run with "handicap pride" ..."Pimp my wheelchair" and such...now I got nothin' for the day...

March 23

*I've been in a jogging slump-haven't felt much like going lately. I got myself some running shoes, hoping to get inspired but it turns out they are even more comfortable to wear when you're sitting down than they are when you're running in them.

*The weird thing about going to church is that I never hear somebody get up and say, "Let's get this party started!" and yet it's still the kind of party that's totally off the hook without anybody even saying it. The choir does their rendition of many songs and I always like when they let you know what song they'll be singing because it sounds slightly un-recognizable once they get started. I may or may not have been in charge of a popcorn fight as well.


*My husband did something late last night that made me mad so I was going to hurt him in his sleep but while I was waiting for him to fall asleep, I accidentally fell asleep myself. Oh well. There's always tonight.

*Dishes as a whole are like a little leprechaun-you can just never catch the last one. If I ever WERE to catch them all, I think a leprechaun really would show up and taunt, "Well, good luck getting all the laundry done!"

*I just read that coca-cola is the number one soda pop and while pepsi has traditionally been #2, it just fell to #3 behind diet coke. i'd like to personally commit to try to get pepsi back up there. if everybody would just drink a pepsi or two a day, imagine the difference we can make in the world-or at least in the cola market which is highly representative of the world.

*I can't stop thinking about how weird it is that women in their 50s and 60s who've gone through menopause can still utilize in-vitro fertilization and have a baby. "Hey Grandma. I guess we'll both be having a child around the same time..."

*Gotta say I have an awesome husband. When he didn't want to go to bed at the same time and I threatened to get a new husband for those times when I don't want to sleep alone, he decided maybe he WAS ready for bed after all. Then he bothered me enough that I wished I had just let him stay up-ha ha! Marriage is bliss!

*I have to pee. Perhaps I'll make an evening of it.

*Due to a couple close calls with almost getting hit by a vehicle when I go jogging, I tend to spend a good chunk of time on my jogs thinking about what it would sound like to get hit and how far I'll fly and then what my hitting the ground or wall or fence will sound like, too. I'm really hoping that when I do get hit, I'm not too disappointed with how it ends up sounding!!!

*My husband says I can't play basketball with him & all of his friends if I'm going to break into songs from musicals so often. What a poor sport!

*We took our kids to their first hockey game this weekend and I told them that when people don't want to get hit with a puck, they have to cover themselves in urine, which repels hockey pucks. Turns out, not only did the kids believe it but they were very careful about which seats they'd sit in, hoping not to get one that had too much urine from previous guests.

*If anybody needs to feel good about themselves, play video games with me. 3 year-olds beat me, my parents (who think Mario is a reference to Mario Lopez since he was on Dancing with the Stars) can beat me. Really, give your self-esteem a boost and set up a time to game with me.

*I went to work tonight and for a while there, I was the only girl in a room with about 8 guys. It gave me flashbacks to college study groups and I was terrified that I'd be the only one doing any work.

*I put together a basketball standard. The instructions said it required 2 adults to assemble but it turned out we never had to work together. One adult works until their nerves are fried and then the next adult is required to take over from there.

*I can't have more children but I like to buy pregnancy tests just to have fun conversations with cashiers. They can't seem to ring up a pregnancy test without making a comment about it. I wait a day or two & then return it, saying, "Whoops on this impulse buy-I can't even get pregnant!" I think I'm in for another fun weekend!

*Sometimes when I'm sitting in the front room at night and looking out the window, I'm amazed at how close the moon is. I feel some kind of cosmic connection to it. That's usually about the time when, upon closer examination, I realize I've been admiring a streetlamp.

*You know it might not be the best day when you shave one leg and forget about the other and later try to get into the wrong car.

February 19

I don't really care for chimichangas but I buy them from time to time because it's a fun word to say. I always ask the cashier if she remembered to charge me for the chimichangas. I love to announce all day, "We're having chimichangas for dinner!" I actually have more fun during those announcements than I do during dinner...ah, chimichangas!

Catching Up...all the thoughts I've been too lazy to post

***Being the ugly sister sure has its benefits! I recently found out that while my sister was forced by my parents to go on lots of dates they had arranged, they never so much as suggested the idea to me.

***A lot of people say, "Well, that's fishy" and it will turn out they know hardly anything about fish.

***Everybody seems to want what they can't have. Gonorrhea seems like something wonderful and it sounds pretty but once you get it, you can hardly wait to give it away.

***I just saw that the divorce rate in Utah has significantly dropped. I guess when a recession hits, people can't even afford to get divorced.

***I've used & enjoyed several generic items but let's be honest-the generic phonebook is total crap.

***The news is so negative. They report robberies but they never report the opposite, when somebody holds you at gunpoint until you take money or expensive things from them. The news should report those once in a while.

***I use the New Age method of drying off after a shower or bath. Wrap up in a towel, lay down and sleep for a while. When I wake up, I'm dry AND rested.

***If you want a challenge followed with a frozen treat, perhaps you would enjoy a popstickle course.

***I told the doctor that Tum's were not helping with my heartburn at all. We started discussing the finer details of my experience with Tum's and the meeting ended with him yelling, "Tum's are not a suppository!" Who knew?

***Lotion is glorious! Even if you put on too much, it can always just be rubbed in until it's absorbed or you can go around and wipe the excess off on others. Either way, it's such a flexible product.

***I was a little moody at the age of 16 and my dad told me I couldn't get my driver's license unless I started taking Prozac (but like any good teenager, I didn't listen). Turns out he wasn't interested in my mental well-being, he had just bought a lot of stock in Eli Lilly & Co., the manufacturers of Prozac.

***Yesterday my daughter had a fever, didn't feel good at all. I gave her ibuprofen and she was napping, which was very unusual. It turned out she'd just put on two heavy pairs of pants and was overheating-I had no idea. When she took off one of the pairs, she felt fine. Next time your child has a fever, check if they have extra pants on...

***I learned something new at work last night. In some parts of Detroit, you can buy a house for $1. There's absolutely no safety there but next time I hear somebody say they can't afford a house, this little factoid is going to pop out of my mouth...dollar menu Detroit-that's what they should call it.

***When talking about a serial rapist, would you describe his actions as "rapetitive?"

***They sure make a lot of kinds of scales these days. Where can I find one that will lie to me?

***Society does not give us proper opportunities to practice our accents, particularly the ones that don't actually come from anywhere. I say create your own opportunities and I do just that.

***A shimmy is the appropriate response to a variety of questions.

***If you were an alien, what would your favorite word be?

***There's nothing like a warm, glowing fire in the winter time. After I've gotten warm near the fire that was once somebody's house, I just head on my way so somebody else can have a chance to sit by the fire and warm up for a few minutes.

***Have you ever jumped out a 4th story window and half way down realized you probably should have planned some kind of landing?

***You know it's just going to be one of those days when you have to hairspray your eyebrows down! The way things go for me, it's probably about time I open an eyebrow salon.

***A big question I have is can you smell snot?I'm really curious because I've never heard somebody say, "Wow! It smells like snot in here!"

***People look surprisingly different with a pie in their face.

***So maybe I did burn something but at least that means I was cooking!

***Girls just want a guy that can cook once in a while and guys just want a (insert name of stupid vehicle here).

***If you were bald, you wouldn't laugh so hard about the grass not growing...

***When it's all said and done, I just want to be remembered for my gargle.

***I wanted to have a good time since it was a day off. I left the house with $3, shopped for almost 2 hours, and came home with my same $3. That is what I call self-discipline!Oh...and there is that small detail of my Target bill increasing by $45...

***Mothering Tip: It's perfectly fine to watch your son play basketball whether it be in youth league, high school, or professional.It is NOT okay to go watch your adult son COACH basketball to 6 year-olds. This 20-ish year old yelled, "Mom, bring me my water!" (because coaching can really leave you winded???

***Getting dressed in the dark just never turns out quite how you would hope...

***Sometimes when I'm up to bat I feel like I'm getting beat up and then I realize I am getting beat up and the umpire's yelling something about me not being on the team...

***I just realized the only thing that stands between an opinion and an onion is a pi...

***There's nothin' like havin' a face so cold, i can't feel the snot drip down and it's not until i see a mirror that i realize there's a real problem...i was wondering why the "air" was so salty. :)

***Every seat should have an eject button for two reasons: in case you don't want to be there anymore or in case you don't want the person next to you there anymore.

***If they called formaldehyde "formaldecow", which is probably where the "hyde" came from, people wouldn't use it so much because who wants a cow inside a dead body?

January 7

The whole process of getting/fixing meat is like having another child. First, I have to pay a good chunk of money before I can take it home. I can't just let it sit in the fridge and take care of itself. I have to think up ways to help it reach its full potential and must sometimes get creative and then pamper and prepare it. If I care for it properly and wisely, it will turn out great. If I get careless or take shortcuts, it either won't turn out right or it will find itself in a wasteland of sorts. On top of all the other responsibilities in my life, meat has exhausted me. Maybe I'll be a vegetarian.