I guess now would be a good time to catch up so here's what some of my thoughts have been (if you haven't already read them on Facebook):
*If when people picked sports teams, the captains picked for the OTHER team, a lot of people would no longer be the last ones picked...
*I met an elderly lady in the grocery store today that says she doesn't have Alzheimers-she has sometimers because she only loses it some of the time.
*If you get mug shots taken, please smile and try to look your best. Nothing is more depressing than an ugly criminal.
*How many ladies choose the length of their skirt based on how recently they shaved?
*What if pets got together for drinks at night and blew off steam about all the stupid things their masters did that day? Too bad I don't have any pets...
*Every good invention idea I come up with ends up in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store!
*If you want to get a laugh in, show up to an elementary school on a rainy day (well, not if you're too creepy though) and look around at how many kids have broken umbrellas-good times...
*my kid just said he's really good at doing teamwork all by himself. he plays as well with others as i do.
*my daughter's school had a 5k we went to this morning-i pushed my youngest in the stroller for 3 miles and when we were done, he said, "well, that was easy!"
*payday!!! the day that reminds me of what i love about having a job!
*If you forget to put the C in MATCH, You get MATH...so...that's probably a pretty helpful thing to know.
*People always refer to the "window of opportunity" but I think that's just giving crooks a lot of ideas when they see a cracked window.
*My 10 year-old's a genius. She offers to give the family free massages but then she makes us fill out so much paperwork that it's not worth it.
*Dave's Body Shop (7800 South 1300ish West) has the motto: home of the invisible repairs...What?
Person: Wasn't your car in the shop for the last week?
Customer: Yes, it was.
Person: I can't even see any repairs-they must be invisible. Did you go to Dave's???
*This guy I know (we'll call him my husband) was getting frisky and I yelled, "Get off of me!!!" but he replied, "You had me at get off."
*I took a poor person's vacation by deactivating facebook for a week, that's as close as I can come to getting away from it all...for free.
*I love a lot of people moreo, which means more than an oreo.
*I don't like to burp. I used to never do it but then I realized people really like it when I do and I gotta keep the people happy.
*I like to announce movie night by yelling, "Timber....
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
"Ton."
If you missed it, phonetically it ends up being Tim Burton.
*The Cemetary: It's where all the magic happens.
*Everything's romantic when you hold hands...like that time my husband told me about the other woman. I didn't mind because he was holding my hand. Her name, btw, is Worlda Warcraft. What kind of parent names their kid Worlda???
*why do birds chirp at 5:30 in the morning? well, they're always on vacation. they are complete bums-eating worms and fruit out of everybody else's yard & good luck catching them and punishing them for it. they can spend all day hanging out with their friends, nap when they want, fly when they want, live off of the hard work of others. i want to be a bird when i grow up.
*What do you tell your friend when her grandpa's so creepy, you just know he's a pedofile? Can you just drop a card in the mail? Something like..."Had so much fun hanging out with you last weekend. Your hair looked so cute. Your grandpa molests people. Can't wait for karaoke night. See ya then."
*Some people say they don't like to sleep alone. Those are people that never woke up next to a man in the middle of the night and thought, "What's that smell?"
*The only thing more fun than seeing your kids get their Easter baskets is helping them disappear again and watching your kids look for them.
*I'm glad we made the decision a while back to skip public Easter egg hunts. We've taught our kids too many manners for them to have any fun at those things.
*I'm tired of reading books/seeing movies where people live normally and suddenly snap. I want to read/see something where somebody has totally snapped and halfway through they just go back to normal.
*Do doctors ever get together and write each other prescriptions, just for kicks & giggles? Then do they get together again once they've taken those prescriptions just for an unscripted night of funny?
*Finances are low and it would be a good idea to get names & addresses of people who are REALLY blind and then rob them. Even if they did catch me, they couldn't give the police a description.
*We signed the kid up for baseball and they were so desperate that my husband & I are coaching, starting tonight. I'll probably teach those kids many terrible things but baseball will be the least of the lessons they get from me.
*If you want to have a good time at the dentist, ask him several times throughout the visit, "Are you my dad?" When he says no, say something like, "Well, we have the same eyes" and then get input from others in the office to see if they agree. When you leave, say, "Bye Dad!"
*Time for another tip for those pesky dental visits...if you decide you're going to grab the tools and threaten the staff with them, just to spice things up, it's kind of helpful to have paid attention to how to get them to work first. If you say, "I'm going to drill YOU now" and then you have to ask how to turn it on, your dental visit is usually over.
*why would I let a silly little thing like a restraining order my dentist got keep me from having a little fun at his office? good thing he's close enough i can break in at night. :)
*We saw my favorite comedian for $15 a ticket, sat 10 feet away from him for 1 1/2 hours, and talked to him on our way out. What does it cost to see your favorite musician and how far away do you end up being? It's a lot of money for very unlikely interaction. I love how accessible comedians really are!
*I saw a homeless man with an Ipod. How did an Ipod become the priority? I robbed the guy because how would he reach rock bottom and change with nice tunes cheering him up all the time? In unrelated news, I have an Ipod up on e-bay.
*If more people sewed like me and made their own clothes, we'd all get a good daily chuckle.
*When ladies don't shave and then put nylons on, it looks like they tried to stuff a carpet into the nylons, bad idea.
*What is "You'd look cute in that shirt if your face were Asian" supposed to mean???
*I love hearing about awkward compliments. Everybody should give somebody one of those today..."you don't look young at all but you sure do you look wise!"
*I went to a murder mystery party...why am I always assigned to be the floozy??? It just doesn't seem to fi---well, hello there fella...
*If melatonin ran for president, I'd vote for it. Maybe half our problems would get solved if everybody just got a little more sleep. The presidential campaign slogan would be "Let's sleep on it..." State of the Union address would be short..."People are concerned about the budget-let's sleep on it. Some want to approve gay marriage-let's sleep on it. Some changes need to be made in education but let's just sleep on it for now..."
*When somebody says that they're really "pinching their pennies" I feel like I don't want to be their friend anymore. There are a lot of strange habits out there but pinching coins? C'mon, there are better ways to use your time.
*Do people with multiple personality disorder take in too many calories every day trying to feed all those different people?
*So I tried out some "handicap pride" jokes on my husband tonight (because I saw somebody have one of those vinyl stickers of their family and they had their character in a wheelchair-obvious pride, right?) and he gave them the axe. If they're not funny, they're not funny but I really wanted to run with "handicap pride" ..."Pimp my wheelchair" and such...now I got nothin' for the day...
*If when people picked sports teams, the captains picked for the OTHER team, a lot of people would no longer be the last ones picked...
*I met an elderly lady in the grocery store today that says she doesn't have Alzheimers-she has sometimers because she only loses it some of the time.
*If you get mug shots taken, please smile and try to look your best. Nothing is more depressing than an ugly criminal.
*How many ladies choose the length of their skirt based on how recently they shaved?
*What if pets got together for drinks at night and blew off steam about all the stupid things their masters did that day? Too bad I don't have any pets...
*Every good invention idea I come up with ends up in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store!
*If you want to get a laugh in, show up to an elementary school on a rainy day (well, not if you're too creepy though) and look around at how many kids have broken umbrellas-good times...
*my kid just said he's really good at doing teamwork all by himself. he plays as well with others as i do.
*my daughter's school had a 5k we went to this morning-i pushed my youngest in the stroller for 3 miles and when we were done, he said, "well, that was easy!"
*payday!!! the day that reminds me of what i love about having a job!
*If you forget to put the C in MATCH, You get MATH...so...that's probably a pretty helpful thing to know.
*People always refer to the "window of opportunity" but I think that's just giving crooks a lot of ideas when they see a cracked window.
*My 10 year-old's a genius. She offers to give the family free massages but then she makes us fill out so much paperwork that it's not worth it.
*Dave's Body Shop (7800 South 1300ish West) has the motto: home of the invisible repairs...What?
Person: Wasn't your car in the shop for the last week?
Customer: Yes, it was.
Person: I can't even see any repairs-they must be invisible. Did you go to Dave's???
*This guy I know (we'll call him my husband) was getting frisky and I yelled, "Get off of me!!!" but he replied, "You had me at get off."
*I took a poor person's vacation by deactivating facebook for a week, that's as close as I can come to getting away from it all...for free.
*I love a lot of people moreo, which means more than an oreo.
*I don't like to burp. I used to never do it but then I realized people really like it when I do and I gotta keep the people happy.
*I like to announce movie night by yelling, "Timber....
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
"Ton."
If you missed it, phonetically it ends up being Tim Burton.
*The Cemetary: It's where all the magic happens.
*Everything's romantic when you hold hands...like that time my husband told me about the other woman. I didn't mind because he was holding my hand. Her name, btw, is Worlda Warcraft. What kind of parent names their kid Worlda???
*why do birds chirp at 5:30 in the morning? well, they're always on vacation. they are complete bums-eating worms and fruit out of everybody else's yard & good luck catching them and punishing them for it. they can spend all day hanging out with their friends, nap when they want, fly when they want, live off of the hard work of others. i want to be a bird when i grow up.
*What do you tell your friend when her grandpa's so creepy, you just know he's a pedofile? Can you just drop a card in the mail? Something like..."Had so much fun hanging out with you last weekend. Your hair looked so cute. Your grandpa molests people. Can't wait for karaoke night. See ya then."
*Some people say they don't like to sleep alone. Those are people that never woke up next to a man in the middle of the night and thought, "What's that smell?"
*The only thing more fun than seeing your kids get their Easter baskets is helping them disappear again and watching your kids look for them.
*I'm glad we made the decision a while back to skip public Easter egg hunts. We've taught our kids too many manners for them to have any fun at those things.
*I'm tired of reading books/seeing movies where people live normally and suddenly snap. I want to read/see something where somebody has totally snapped and halfway through they just go back to normal.
*Do doctors ever get together and write each other prescriptions, just for kicks & giggles? Then do they get together again once they've taken those prescriptions just for an unscripted night of funny?
*Finances are low and it would be a good idea to get names & addresses of people who are REALLY blind and then rob them. Even if they did catch me, they couldn't give the police a description.
*We signed the kid up for baseball and they were so desperate that my husband & I are coaching, starting tonight. I'll probably teach those kids many terrible things but baseball will be the least of the lessons they get from me.
*If you want to have a good time at the dentist, ask him several times throughout the visit, "Are you my dad?" When he says no, say something like, "Well, we have the same eyes" and then get input from others in the office to see if they agree. When you leave, say, "Bye Dad!"
*Time for another tip for those pesky dental visits...if you decide you're going to grab the tools and threaten the staff with them, just to spice things up, it's kind of helpful to have paid attention to how to get them to work first. If you say, "I'm going to drill YOU now" and then you have to ask how to turn it on, your dental visit is usually over.
*why would I let a silly little thing like a restraining order my dentist got keep me from having a little fun at his office? good thing he's close enough i can break in at night. :)
*We saw my favorite comedian for $15 a ticket, sat 10 feet away from him for 1 1/2 hours, and talked to him on our way out. What does it cost to see your favorite musician and how far away do you end up being? It's a lot of money for very unlikely interaction. I love how accessible comedians really are!
*I saw a homeless man with an Ipod. How did an Ipod become the priority? I robbed the guy because how would he reach rock bottom and change with nice tunes cheering him up all the time? In unrelated news, I have an Ipod up on e-bay.
*If more people sewed like me and made their own clothes, we'd all get a good daily chuckle.
*When ladies don't shave and then put nylons on, it looks like they tried to stuff a carpet into the nylons, bad idea.
*What is "You'd look cute in that shirt if your face were Asian" supposed to mean???
*I love hearing about awkward compliments. Everybody should give somebody one of those today..."you don't look young at all but you sure do you look wise!"
*I went to a murder mystery party...why am I always assigned to be the floozy??? It just doesn't seem to fi---well, hello there fella...
*If melatonin ran for president, I'd vote for it. Maybe half our problems would get solved if everybody just got a little more sleep. The presidential campaign slogan would be "Let's sleep on it..." State of the Union address would be short..."People are concerned about the budget-let's sleep on it. Some want to approve gay marriage-let's sleep on it. Some changes need to be made in education but let's just sleep on it for now..."
*When somebody says that they're really "pinching their pennies" I feel like I don't want to be their friend anymore. There are a lot of strange habits out there but pinching coins? C'mon, there are better ways to use your time.
*Do people with multiple personality disorder take in too many calories every day trying to feed all those different people?
*So I tried out some "handicap pride" jokes on my husband tonight (because I saw somebody have one of those vinyl stickers of their family and they had their character in a wheelchair-obvious pride, right?) and he gave them the axe. If they're not funny, they're not funny but I really wanted to run with "handicap pride" ..."Pimp my wheelchair" and such...now I got nothin' for the day...
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