***Being the ugly sister sure has its benefits! I recently found out that while my sister was forced by my parents to go on lots of dates they had arranged, they never so much as suggested the idea to me.
***A lot of people say, "Well, that's fishy" and it will turn out they know hardly anything about fish.
***Everybody seems to want what they can't have. Gonorrhea seems like something wonderful and it sounds pretty but once you get it, you can hardly wait to give it away.
***I just saw that the divorce rate in Utah has significantly dropped. I guess when a recession hits, people can't even afford to get divorced.
***I've used & enjoyed several generic items but let's be honest-the generic phonebook is total crap.
***The news is so negative. They report robberies but they never report the opposite, when somebody holds you at gunpoint until you take money or expensive things from them. The news should report those once in a while.
***I use the New Age method of drying off after a shower or bath. Wrap up in a towel, lay down and sleep for a while. When I wake up, I'm dry AND rested.
***If you want a challenge followed with a frozen treat, perhaps you would enjoy a popstickle course.
***I told the doctor that Tum's were not helping with my heartburn at all. We started discussing the finer details of my experience with Tum's and the meeting ended with him yelling, "Tum's are not a suppository!" Who knew?
***Lotion is glorious! Even if you put on too much, it can always just be rubbed in until it's absorbed or you can go around and wipe the excess off on others. Either way, it's such a flexible product.
***I was a little moody at the age of 16 and my dad told me I couldn't get my driver's license unless I started taking Prozac (but like any good teenager, I didn't listen). Turns out he wasn't interested in my mental well-being, he had just bought a lot of stock in Eli Lilly & Co., the manufacturers of Prozac.
***Yesterday my daughter had a fever, didn't feel good at all. I gave her ibuprofen and she was napping, which was very unusual. It turned out she'd just put on two heavy pairs of pants and was overheating-I had no idea. When she took off one of the pairs, she felt fine. Next time your child has a fever, check if they have extra pants on...
***I learned something new at work last night. In some parts of Detroit, you can buy a house for $1. There's absolutely no safety there but next time I hear somebody say they can't afford a house, this little factoid is going to pop out of my mouth...dollar menu Detroit-that's what they should call it.
***When talking about a serial rapist, would you describe his actions as "rapetitive?"
***They sure make a lot of kinds of scales these days. Where can I find one that will lie to me?
***Society does not give us proper opportunities to practice our accents, particularly the ones that don't actually come from anywhere. I say create your own opportunities and I do just that.
***A shimmy is the appropriate response to a variety of questions.
***If you were an alien, what would your favorite word be?
***There's nothing like a warm, glowing fire in the winter time. After I've gotten warm near the fire that was once somebody's house, I just head on my way so somebody else can have a chance to sit by the fire and warm up for a few minutes.
***Have you ever jumped out a 4th story window and half way down realized you probably should have planned some kind of landing?
***You know it's just going to be one of those days when you have to hairspray your eyebrows down! The way things go for me, it's probably about time I open an eyebrow salon.
***A big question I have is can you smell snot?I'm really curious because I've never heard somebody say, "Wow! It smells like snot in here!"
***People look surprisingly different with a pie in their face.
***So maybe I did burn something but at least that means I was cooking!
***Girls just want a guy that can cook once in a while and guys just want a (insert name of stupid vehicle here).
***If you were bald, you wouldn't laugh so hard about the grass not growing...
***When it's all said and done, I just want to be remembered for my gargle.
***I wanted to have a good time since it was a day off. I left the house with $3, shopped for almost 2 hours, and came home with my same $3. That is what I call self-discipline!Oh...and there is that small detail of my Target bill increasing by $45...
***Mothering Tip: It's perfectly fine to watch your son play basketball whether it be in youth league, high school, or professional.It is NOT okay to go watch your adult son COACH basketball to 6 year-olds. This 20-ish year old yelled, "Mom, bring me my water!" (because coaching can really leave you winded???
***Getting dressed in the dark just never turns out quite how you would hope...
***Sometimes when I'm up to bat I feel like I'm getting beat up and then I realize I am getting beat up and the umpire's yelling something about me not being on the team...
***I just realized the only thing that stands between an opinion and an onion is a pi...
***There's nothin' like havin' a face so cold, i can't feel the snot drip down and it's not until i see a mirror that i realize there's a real problem...i was wondering why the "air" was so salty. :)
***Every seat should have an eject button for two reasons: in case you don't want to be there anymore or in case you don't want the person next to you there anymore.
***If they called formaldehyde "formaldecow", which is probably where the "hyde" came from, people wouldn't use it so much because who wants a cow inside a dead body?
***A lot of people say, "Well, that's fishy" and it will turn out they know hardly anything about fish.
***Everybody seems to want what they can't have. Gonorrhea seems like something wonderful and it sounds pretty but once you get it, you can hardly wait to give it away.
***I just saw that the divorce rate in Utah has significantly dropped. I guess when a recession hits, people can't even afford to get divorced.
***I've used & enjoyed several generic items but let's be honest-the generic phonebook is total crap.
***The news is so negative. They report robberies but they never report the opposite, when somebody holds you at gunpoint until you take money or expensive things from them. The news should report those once in a while.
***I use the New Age method of drying off after a shower or bath. Wrap up in a towel, lay down and sleep for a while. When I wake up, I'm dry AND rested.
***If you want a challenge followed with a frozen treat, perhaps you would enjoy a popstickle course.
***I told the doctor that Tum's were not helping with my heartburn at all. We started discussing the finer details of my experience with Tum's and the meeting ended with him yelling, "Tum's are not a suppository!" Who knew?
***Lotion is glorious! Even if you put on too much, it can always just be rubbed in until it's absorbed or you can go around and wipe the excess off on others. Either way, it's such a flexible product.
***I was a little moody at the age of 16 and my dad told me I couldn't get my driver's license unless I started taking Prozac (but like any good teenager, I didn't listen). Turns out he wasn't interested in my mental well-being, he had just bought a lot of stock in Eli Lilly & Co., the manufacturers of Prozac.
***Yesterday my daughter had a fever, didn't feel good at all. I gave her ibuprofen and she was napping, which was very unusual. It turned out she'd just put on two heavy pairs of pants and was overheating-I had no idea. When she took off one of the pairs, she felt fine. Next time your child has a fever, check if they have extra pants on...
***I learned something new at work last night. In some parts of Detroit, you can buy a house for $1. There's absolutely no safety there but next time I hear somebody say they can't afford a house, this little factoid is going to pop out of my mouth...dollar menu Detroit-that's what they should call it.
***When talking about a serial rapist, would you describe his actions as "rapetitive?"
***They sure make a lot of kinds of scales these days. Where can I find one that will lie to me?
***Society does not give us proper opportunities to practice our accents, particularly the ones that don't actually come from anywhere. I say create your own opportunities and I do just that.
***A shimmy is the appropriate response to a variety of questions.
***If you were an alien, what would your favorite word be?
***There's nothing like a warm, glowing fire in the winter time. After I've gotten warm near the fire that was once somebody's house, I just head on my way so somebody else can have a chance to sit by the fire and warm up for a few minutes.
***Have you ever jumped out a 4th story window and half way down realized you probably should have planned some kind of landing?
***You know it's just going to be one of those days when you have to hairspray your eyebrows down! The way things go for me, it's probably about time I open an eyebrow salon.
***A big question I have is can you smell snot?I'm really curious because I've never heard somebody say, "Wow! It smells like snot in here!"
***People look surprisingly different with a pie in their face.
***So maybe I did burn something but at least that means I was cooking!
***Girls just want a guy that can cook once in a while and guys just want a (insert name of stupid vehicle here).
***If you were bald, you wouldn't laugh so hard about the grass not growing...
***When it's all said and done, I just want to be remembered for my gargle.
***I wanted to have a good time since it was a day off. I left the house with $3, shopped for almost 2 hours, and came home with my same $3. That is what I call self-discipline!Oh...and there is that small detail of my Target bill increasing by $45...
***Mothering Tip: It's perfectly fine to watch your son play basketball whether it be in youth league, high school, or professional.It is NOT okay to go watch your adult son COACH basketball to 6 year-olds. This 20-ish year old yelled, "Mom, bring me my water!" (because coaching can really leave you winded???
***Getting dressed in the dark just never turns out quite how you would hope...
***Sometimes when I'm up to bat I feel like I'm getting beat up and then I realize I am getting beat up and the umpire's yelling something about me not being on the team...
***I just realized the only thing that stands between an opinion and an onion is a pi...
***There's nothin' like havin' a face so cold, i can't feel the snot drip down and it's not until i see a mirror that i realize there's a real problem...i was wondering why the "air" was so salty. :)
***Every seat should have an eject button for two reasons: in case you don't want to be there anymore or in case you don't want the person next to you there anymore.
***If they called formaldehyde "formaldecow", which is probably where the "hyde" came from, people wouldn't use it so much because who wants a cow inside a dead body?
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