Mascara-free

 I made a big discovery today. It's really difficult to swallow a bite of apple while putting on mascara! I don't like fruit very much but I know I should eat more of it. I also needed to get ready fast so I started eating an apple while I was putting on makeup. However, every time I went to swallow, it hurt & seemed tricky & I had to stop with the makeup & stand straight up to swallow.

If you're thinking that maybe you'll save time & eat an apple while also leaning over the sink to apply makeup, don't do it. You will only be able to do one of those things well & it's best to pick the apple. Sure, maybe then people will ask you why you look so bad & try to see what's wrong with you but you can just smile & reply, "I ate an apple." 

Smells

You know how humans are often told to stop and smell the roses? I wonder if some canine king of the world told dogs to stop and smell the tree trunks of every urine-doused tree because that's what they do! I go for a nature walk and my dog believes he's in a piss-sniffing competition. I guess either way, we both come home a little happier, even if our reasons for feeling that way are very different.

Famous People Perks

This is a message I sent to Comedian Kellen Erskine today, which details everything that happened:

I work for the postal service typing mail addresses if they are part of the 1% of mail that isn't read automatically by machines. A couple nights ago, I got a piece of mail that I was just about to reject because the address wasn't in a format that we would normally type when I saw a K. Erskine handwritten in the corner as the return address and somewhere in California. I thought, "what if it's that fantastic comedian I saw in Provo, Utah last year?" so I slowed down and took a minute to type in the address in a way that I can pretty much guarantee it will get where it's supposed to go, even though we wouldn't normally do that.

I can't remember where it was going-we key thousands of pieces of mail per day. My point is that I'm not sure if it was even from you or not but if it is, hopefully it's a sign that you've truly made it when people around the country are taking extra steps at their job just to make sure your mail gets where it needs to go.

If it wasn't you then some other K. Erskine in California is getting a perk of having a name that might be associated with yours. You're very talented. Thanks for the laughs!

Public Toilet Survival is a thing

I saw some public toilet survival kits on Amazon-great idea...mmm-pricey. I want to give people their own public toilet survival kits but not at $6-$9 a pop. I needed toilet seat covers, antiseptic wipes, and gloves. I bought antiseptic wipes and then focused on the other items...I've never seen toilet seat covers for sale at my local Wal-mart so I was in a conundrum.

I started thinking maybe I could just get a few extra seat covers here & there when I visit public restrooms (yuck!). I'm not out to steal anything. I didn't want to be a thief but I started thinking of the extent I have gone to to avoid using public restrooms. If I HAD used the restrooms when I needed to, I would have used a seat cover so surely, I could just collect my unused toilet seats. I was at a restaurant this week and ended up taking a little stack of toilet seat covers from the restroom. I hope that I avoided the restroom 43 times because that's how many toilet seat covers I collected.

Now for gloves...I also went to the dentist office this week and noticed how many gloves were available, if only I could get rid of the pesky employees that I just couldn't shake because they were "cleaning my teeth" or "giving me a full dental evaluation."

I have my boundaries though so I guess I will just have to go buy some gloves. Oohie! My friends are going to have a great Christmas!

The Customer Adds Something Special

Here's a fun fact: apparently I don't know the difference between a Jersey Mike's chicken cheesesteak sandwich and the inside of my own face. While I was eating it for the first time, I thought it was tricky to chew and when I was finished, I had accidentally chomped a big hole in the inside of my lip.

I've been up thinking of slogans the company can use: 1. "We get the sandwich started but you make it special." 2. "What's our secret sauce? You are." 3. "We know there's something wonderful in each of our customers." 4. "Without you, our sandwiches would just be sandwiches." 5. "Lose yourself in our sandwiches."

Urine...yep, let's go there

I can't help but write about how incredible it feels to urinate after having a full bladder you've had to hold for a long time. Whether you were driving, in a class, out getting a little exercise, watching a movie in the theater, or you just can't stop watching YouTube videos for one reason or another, sometimes you have to go pee for a LONG time and you just keep holding it in!!!

There are few things in the world that feel greater than emptying your bladder after a long time. It feels INCREDIBLE! You feel so good afterward that it seems like you could do anything. Suddenly every trivial thing you do seems like a big deal. Somebody tells a joke and you realize not only can you hang around listening to it and smile, you can actually laugh in a way that shakes your whole body and no pee is going to start dribbling out. You can jump without creating a waterfall. You can sit, stand, or lay down in comfort. You can have a conversation and not only that, you can actually focus on and hear what the other person is saying! You can eat something or even take a drink now! If the "holding your urine in" was a result of one too many YouTube videos, you might realize that it might not have actually been necessary to watch a guy mostly lip sync to a strange song combination in pajamas & you can't even tell if the spots on the pajamas are for a giraffe or if they're pepperonis and he's supposed to be a slice of pizza. He never put his hoodie of the pjs on so he never gave you a chance to solve the mystery. After finally emptying your bladder and realizing how much better you feel, how much healthier, how much more energetic, you also note that it is possible that less time could have been spent analyzing whether an odd stranger is dressed like a giraffe or a slice of pizza. However, if you hadn't held in that pee for such a long time, you might not be aware of just how great you feel now!

How to Ruin Girls Camp in 10 Easy Steps

Camping always makes me laugh. Last month I attended my first Girls Camp since I was a teenager so there was plenty to laugh about. This is a light-hearted list of things that make the week extra "fun."

1. Complain about everything! They're making you walk? How miserable! You have to wash your own dishes? Ridiculous! Don't waste your time being happy about anything. 2. Ask what you'll be doing next a minimum of 12 times a day. When somebody points out that the schedule is posted, refuse to acknowledge it. 3. Say inappropriate things. Any thought that enters your mind should come out your mouth. That's what true freedom is. 4. Talk about what you'd rather be doing. When you start phrases with "I'd rather be..." and finish with some kind of modern convenience, it helps the whole group question their choice to attend.

5. Use the bathroom 10 times a day, especially if there's only one bathroom. Don't stress yourself out by hurrying. Think about your life & your choices. Primp extensively. When people wait a long time for you, they appreciate your beauty more. 6. Pack too much stuff. If you don't need it, pac, it! How can you be prepared for anything if you don't have everything? 7. Go to bed too late and get up too early and make sure to spread the wrath of your sleep deprivation. If you didn't sleep enough, everybody should pay the price. Before going to bed, it's best to make loud obnoxious sounds but if you're woken up with similar sounds, be furious about it.

8. Eat a lot in your tent and make sure to leave food open at night. Not only will this benefit each tent mate with crumbs in their clothes and sleeping bags but you can get better acquainted with adorable mountain creatures.

9. Every time an activity gets quiet, it's your job to yell. Yelling gives spiritual thoughts emphasis and breaks up that uncomfortable silence or quiet that everybody's feeling. 10. Participate in testimony meeting by organizing and carrying out a flash mob. Since most testimony meetings are held in a chapel, where it's typically frowned upon to do a flash mob, this would be your most appropriate opportunity to shine.