Independence Day

Maybe today's holiday should be known by two names. Not all citizens in this country are independent so those citizens should probably refer to it as "The Government is my Sugar Daddy Day".

July 2

I have a talent so raw, many naysayers claim it's not even a talent. I can make people feel uncomfortable. I tried out for a talent show and this is how it went:
Judges: What talent will you be displaying for us today?
Me: I can make people feel uncomfortable.
Judges (looking confused): Okay, proceed.
Me: (Harnessing my talent silently and using it on the audience, I just stood there using my talent for about 30 seconds and I'm fairly certain everybody from the audience to the judges was feeling quite uncomfortable)
Judges: Um, you can sit down now. You shouldn't be in this competition-you didn't do anything.
Me: Did you or did you not feel uncomfortable?
Judges: You may sit now!
People are afraid to even admit to the talent I have, a talent so strong that it's almost a superpower.
Next talent competition contestant:
Him: I can pee on myself but I have to turn around because it would feel disrespectful to pee in front of you...
Judges: (Wild applause)

July 1

The more beat up the vehicle, the sweeter the driver. Isn't that right? Please go along with this thought because every time I sneak out to that heap knowing I have to drive it around town, this is the pep talk I give myself. I should get a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sweet." If nobody honked though, I'd have to come up with a new pep talk...

June 30

Why do restaurants make up cutesy words for foods? I know they name menu items these silly things just so they laugh when you ask for a "sconenut" or the "hula salad." Do they think you want to ask for "The Big Slab" or "The Texas Manhandler"? It would seem you should pick up an accent if you're going to order "The Ragin' Cajun" or a wrestling announcer's voice to order "The Gargantuan". Where I come from, you just want to ask for a hamburger and tell them what you want on it but some places want you to request things like the "Burnin' Love Burger" or say, "Give it to me animal style please." I didn't even know saying that to a stranger was legal! If pasta's your thing, you may have to ask for the "Tour of Italy" or if you want pizza, you could end up requesting a "Cable Car" or "Garlic Festival". All this writing about food is making me hungry. Maybe I should go get myself a "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity" but if I feel like too much of a pansy saying that, I can fall back on an order of "Viva La French Toast" from the same establishment. Kids may have to order a "Funny Face" and seniors may have to ask for a "Rise & Shine". Restaurant people, this is getting out of hand. Maybe I'll just cook at home to save myself some embarrassment. I sure hope I can find my recipe for "Great Auntie's Finger-Lickin'-Til-There's-Nothin'-Left-Stickin'-Chicken".

June 15

Over the weekend, I learned that my aunt has a racist dog. It got upset when some workers in the area were playing music in Spanish. My aunt got curious and told her son to speak Portuguese to the dog. The dog was really upset about that, too. The dog had no tolerance for differences. I guess it's time for a little diversity training for animals.

June 11

I don't know everything about the law but I had heard you are supposed to serve an eviction notice when you have to kick somebody out of their home. Yesterday I decided to chop down a tree that wasn't too healthy thanks to all of the insect invaders who would party all day long there but nobody could seem to take care of the place and they just let it fall apart. I still wanted to follow the law though so I tried to show the bugs a little sign I'd made that said they had 10 minutes to re-locate. However, it seemed to be an illiterate group so I just made an announcement to them. I made it into a song because hearing bad news in a song always makes it seem like better news. It's funny though because it really took me closer to 45 minutes to cut that thing down so they had plenty of notice.

June 3

What kind of bachelor party do men over 50 have? Do they sometimes invite their closest friends and meet up at the hospital for a group colonoscopy session? Talk about a cleanse before the big day! The invitations probably say, "Please attend my 'butt'chalor party..."