June 30

Why do restaurants make up cutesy words for foods? I know they name menu items these silly things just so they laugh when you ask for a "sconenut" or the "hula salad." Do they think you want to ask for "The Big Slab" or "The Texas Manhandler"? It would seem you should pick up an accent if you're going to order "The Ragin' Cajun" or a wrestling announcer's voice to order "The Gargantuan". Where I come from, you just want to ask for a hamburger and tell them what you want on it but some places want you to request things like the "Burnin' Love Burger" or say, "Give it to me animal style please." I didn't even know saying that to a stranger was legal! If pasta's your thing, you may have to ask for the "Tour of Italy" or if you want pizza, you could end up requesting a "Cable Car" or "Garlic Festival". All this writing about food is making me hungry. Maybe I should go get myself a "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity" but if I feel like too much of a pansy saying that, I can fall back on an order of "Viva La French Toast" from the same establishment. Kids may have to order a "Funny Face" and seniors may have to ask for a "Rise & Shine". Restaurant people, this is getting out of hand. Maybe I'll just cook at home to save myself some embarrassment. I sure hope I can find my recipe for "Great Auntie's Finger-Lickin'-Til-There's-Nothin'-Left-Stickin'-Chicken".

June 15

Over the weekend, I learned that my aunt has a racist dog. It got upset when some workers in the area were playing music in Spanish. My aunt got curious and told her son to speak Portuguese to the dog. The dog was really upset about that, too. The dog had no tolerance for differences. I guess it's time for a little diversity training for animals.

June 11

I don't know everything about the law but I had heard you are supposed to serve an eviction notice when you have to kick somebody out of their home. Yesterday I decided to chop down a tree that wasn't too healthy thanks to all of the insect invaders who would party all day long there but nobody could seem to take care of the place and they just let it fall apart. I still wanted to follow the law though so I tried to show the bugs a little sign I'd made that said they had 10 minutes to re-locate. However, it seemed to be an illiterate group so I just made an announcement to them. I made it into a song because hearing bad news in a song always makes it seem like better news. It's funny though because it really took me closer to 45 minutes to cut that thing down so they had plenty of notice.

June 3

What kind of bachelor party do men over 50 have? Do they sometimes invite their closest friends and meet up at the hospital for a group colonoscopy session? Talk about a cleanse before the big day! The invitations probably say, "Please attend my 'butt'chalor party..."

May 22

I've never met a person that doesn't like movie theater popcorn-everybody likes it. That's why my dilemma for what to give as a wedding present has now been solved. Oh, I think the bride and groom will be so surprised and also happy.

May 21

The other day, my husband & I hunted around the house. Both of us could smell the strong stench of insect killer but neither of us claimed to have sprayed it. The awful aroma was overwhelming and I was deeply concerned for our well-being with all those chemicals in the air. That's when my husband arrived upon the lilac-scented diffuser I'd purchased & set out the day before. I think they got that smell wrong!!! I'd just wrapped 3 of them for birthdays this month but I got to open all the presents and retrieve the smell of death. I wonder what the company meeting was like before that product launch:
Employee 1: I don't think we got this smell quite right. In fact, your lifespan would probably be significantly reduced by sniffing this.
Employee 2: Well, we are on a deadline. Let's just send it out how it is.
Employee 3: Don't add those scratch & sniff stickers to this batch or we'll never make any money!

May 6

I'm really not a morning person like I used to be. When seeing the boxes of Cheerios at the grocery store, I got annoyed because maybe people don't want a "bowl of cheer" in the morning, you know? Maybe some mornings all we want to do is pour ourselves a big bowl of Suicidalos...