January 7

The whole process of getting/fixing meat is like having another child. First, I have to pay a good chunk of money before I can take it home. I can't just let it sit in the fridge and take care of itself. I have to think up ways to help it reach its full potential and must sometimes get creative and then pamper and prepare it. If I care for it properly and wisely, it will turn out great. If I get careless or take shortcuts, it either won't turn out right or it will find itself in a wasteland of sorts. On top of all the other responsibilities in my life, meat has exhausted me. Maybe I'll be a vegetarian.

December 23

If I were dying and somebody else was there and there were at least 5 minutes, I'd ask them if we could hug each other and I'd sing, "I just died in your arms tonight." If there were enough time, I'd write one last verse detailing what it feels like to die in somebody's arms.

December 16

The most innovative potty-training invention I can think of is to have some kind of special thermometer inside the toilet. Kids would love to make the temperature rise and I know a few adults that might find that on the fun side as well.

December 15

I think people use the phrase "common cents" because we're in a recession, that's why they don't say "common dollars." Why do we want everybody to have common cents though? Why can't people just have their own cents?

December 6

My favorite part of the holiday season is seeing which candy I can give the neighbors to choke on. There's something magical about hearing the sirens, seeing those ambulance Christmas lights, and knowing I'm responsible. I love the holidays!

November 29

I actually don't think it's all that outlandish to need chapstick late at night, walk to the junk drawer in the dark to get it, and accidentally apply glue stick all over my lips. Chapstick might not be as irreplaceable as I once thought.

November 26

A web site just suggested that the perfect gift for neighbors is a coupon book filled with offers for service, such as free house sitting. We haven't met several of our neighbors yet and I think those ones would especially enjoy that.