July 16

If I could obtain bruises in a slightly more strategic manner, I might actually start to look like I have a tan.

July 5

You know what every nursing home and senior living center is in desperate need of? A good paintball competition!

Independence Day

Maybe today's holiday should be known by two names. Not all citizens in this country are independent so those citizens should probably refer to it as "The Government is my Sugar Daddy Day".

July 2

I have a talent so raw, many naysayers claim it's not even a talent. I can make people feel uncomfortable. I tried out for a talent show and this is how it went:
Judges: What talent will you be displaying for us today?
Me: I can make people feel uncomfortable.
Judges (looking confused): Okay, proceed.
Me: (Harnessing my talent silently and using it on the audience, I just stood there using my talent for about 30 seconds and I'm fairly certain everybody from the audience to the judges was feeling quite uncomfortable)
Judges: Um, you can sit down now. You shouldn't be in this competition-you didn't do anything.
Me: Did you or did you not feel uncomfortable?
Judges: You may sit now!
People are afraid to even admit to the talent I have, a talent so strong that it's almost a superpower.
Next talent competition contestant:
Him: I can pee on myself but I have to turn around because it would feel disrespectful to pee in front of you...
Judges: (Wild applause)

July 1

The more beat up the vehicle, the sweeter the driver. Isn't that right? Please go along with this thought because every time I sneak out to that heap knowing I have to drive it around town, this is the pep talk I give myself. I should get a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you think I'm sweet." If nobody honked though, I'd have to come up with a new pep talk...