October 27

The world is a merry-go-round and I just can't stomach this constant turning about so if we meet up socially and I accidentally upchuck all over you, at least you got an explanation.

October 19th

Sometimes it feels like Coca-Cola really needs a new strategy. Instead of always marketing how refreshing their cola is or how it's nice to drink a cold one on a hot day, they should introduce it as the new fall & winter warm-up solution. They could have an eskimo walk in saying, "Can anybody tell me where I can find a boiling hot Coke?"

October 16th

"Rustic" is a magical word. It can turn something that doesn't function properly or something that's wearing out into something better with nothing more than its six little letters. A historic building's elevator that is quite rickety and seems like a safety hazard suddenly becomes nothing more than an adventure when it's described as being "rustic." A building that has crumbling bricks and sidewalks is suddenly a cozy reminder of a long life when it's described as being "rustic." What I can't figure out is why when we try to sell our "rustic" vehicle, there does not seem to be much interest. I guess even magic has its limitations.

October 15th

My husband ended up with sore biceps after a trip to the gym-I think he’s troubled by his biceptual tendencies...

October 9th

I tend to find fairytales quite disturbing. Today I'm distraught over Sleeping Beauty. Here's a girl that's passed out because of some "magic spell" or whatever the kids are calling it these days. She's supposedly rescued by a strange man who sees her completely unconscious but he also thinks she's hot so he has no qualms or reservations about kissing her while she's out cold. Where I come from, that's just creepy, not romantic. Next time you hear about a girl being drugged with a roofie, don't steer her to the police, tell her this may be her chance to win Prince Phillip's heart!

October 8th

I'm sure everybody's heard the saying, "What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall..." I'd like to change things up to "What I wouldn't give to be a watch on their hand..." That's where the real dirt is you know. If you don't believe me, try cleaning a watch that somebody's been wearing for a while.

October 2

I feel so unlady-like when I eat a sandwich: shoving bites in my mouth, really having to chew to swallow without choking, even just trying to keep the sandwich insides from falling out. Today at a little sandwich shop, I tried to pick 3 beautiful women to watch eat a sandwich. I happily concluded there is just no lady-like way to eat a sandwich. Ta-da!

October 1st

Women go around carrying all kinds of junk in their purse. The only thing anybody REALLY needs is a gun. I have some examples:

-"Oh I got all these groceries & realized I forgot money but I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I realize that you were in line before me. If only there were some way for me to get in front of you since I'm in a hurry. Well, I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I didn't bring my gym membership card. I actually don't even have a membership to this gym but I do have this..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I don't really like your opinion. I think you should agree with me. If you don't, maybe this will change your mind..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

-"I told you to leave me alone. Maybe this could convince you..." (gun emerges with fingers on the trigger)

Guns are kind of like a jack of all trades. They are really quite persuasive and helpful in all situations.