April 30

When you realize you've just lost 2 hours of your life to playing solitaire, you start to justify it to youself. You start to think unreasonable things like "I was practicing my problem-solving skills" or "I don't think sharpening your mind is a waste of time."

April 29

When you don't really run on social juice, the worst thing a teacher can say is, "We're going to break into groups now." The only way they can make it worse is to say, "Choose your own groups."

April 28

You know the typical story of an average guy going along and something makes him completely snap? I'd like to read the untraditional story about the crazy guy going along and something suddenly clicks him out of insanity and he gets back to normal.

April 24

Why is it that you don't hear many people walking around talking about how delicious an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie is?

April 23

I have learned a sure-fire was to make platonic guests uncomfortable: ask them if they'd like to shower at your house. Works every time.

April 22

I think it's great when people breastfeed their child for a certain length of time but when I hear about somebody breastfeeding a dog, I believe it's time to end the tolerance. Let me be the first to campaign against humans nursing animals of any kind, especially fish.

April 21

For my nephew's birthday, one family member called him at 8:30 a.m. to wish him happy birthday. She woke him up. I wanted to call him before the day was over but it was 11:30 p.m. when things slowed down enough to call. I crossed my fingers and hoped he'd have his phone off if he was sleeping and I could leave him a voicemail but I also woke him up to wish him happy birthday. I was so embarrassed about being his second birthday wakeup call that I couldn't even belt out a long and loud version of happy birthday like I usually do. I hope he can wait for that until next year.

April 20

I've had a tough time sleeping. I just couldn't seem to get comfortable but I believe I found the cure. Ever since I purchased a coffin, I've been sleeping like a lazy cat. It's surprising how comfortable it is. It really feels like I could sleep forever...

April 19

Do you ever have those moments in which you think, "What if I just did x, y, or z?" For instance, "What if I just swerved this car into oncoming traffic?", "What if I just walked up to that stranger and kissed them on the cheek", "What if I just got up in the middle of Target and announced an immediate meeting for consumers?" I wish there were a way to control other people into doing those crazy things that cross my mind sometimes and I could sit back, relax, and videotape all of it.

April 17

Today I lost my driver's license. I found out it's cheaper to get a new identity on the black market than it is to go to the DMV and replace my license. Who doesn't like a new start, right?

Tax Day

Once upon a time there was a man who went to do his taxes right on April 15, dreading what he would have to reluctantly hand over to the government. His bad attitude really got him in trouble because based upon little jokes he made during the tax process while a police officer did his taxes at the adjoining booth, he was arrested "on suspicion of terrorism." Everybody involved knew he wasn't a terrorist but the police officer had been sick of all the jokes going around about them and wanted to do his part to put an end to it. (It's events like this that give Tax Day such a bad name.) I have a heart so I went to see the man falsely imprisoned so he wouldn't feel so lonely. While there, I took the liberty of telling him how I got my taxes done early and got a huge refund and I'm using the money to take a lush vacation at a sunny destination. I tried to go deeply into each detail to make for better conversation but the man's fury grew and grew. By the end, I think he would have killed me but there was really thick glass there between us so I just smiled and waved goodbye to him. I don't think the incident will make his parole any more likely.

April 14

Sometimes I'm not perfect at painting and I get little bumps in the wall. I wonder about if I painted myself and stood against the wall, would anybody recognize me or would they just think, "She did another bumpy job of painting"?

April 12

Every once in a while I have a night in which my eye makes a crust while I sleep and I have to wipe it away when I wake up, which is no easy task. While eye crust is a sturdy substance, I'd have to decline recommending its use in a pie.

April 10

I'm a strong believer in agency and vegetables. My kids don't like to eat their vegetables at dinner but I think it's important to let them choose for themselves so I get out a gun and say, "I'd like you to choose. Would you like to eat your vegetables and continue living or would you like to throw them away so I can use this gun?" It's amazing. They always choose to eat their vegetables. I dread the day they're old enough to realize it's a water gun. After all, it is fluorescent orange.

April 8

There's a big market for birth control-everybody's heard of it and millions of people use it...what I'd really like to get my hands on is a little death control.

April 3

A car and pet wash?!? I don't know who's been up late pounding down the booze. "It feels so good to have a clean car. Now if only Fido were clean, too. Wait a second, I might have something here..."

April 2

We were never very nice to our younger sister. Every other sibling complains about her, gets annoyed when she's around, and likes to spread mean gossip about her. Sometimes I wonder if it's because she doesn't exist.