March 31

Some people are better at pretending to be somebody they aren't than they are at trying to be themselves without a clue as to who that really is.

March 30

Homework kills trees!

March 29

"Apocalypse" is one of the funnest words to say and it sounds important. It's weird though because "a pocket of lips" sounds similar but it doesn't sound important. It sounds useless. Interesting.

March 28

Chocolate covered olives are not as gross as people would think.

March 26

Sometimes it's very difficult to hear other people over the sound of myself thinking to myself about...myself.

March 25

Even as an adult I like to hide in clothing racks and carefully untie shopper's shoes. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book but seeing somebody trip over their own laces just never gets old!

March 24

Today I conducted a social experiment. I wore a shirt with a skull on it, which is not typical for me. An older employee at the craft store was not even half as friendly to me as she usually is and the only thing different about me was my shirt. The shirt had a pirate bandana hat and an eye patch-it was pretty cute as far as skulls go. My mom was the most shocked of the people I know. That made it worth it.

March 23

Burps are honest. I have never known one to tell a lie.

March 22

Spring is exciting and beautiful. The weather warms up enough, it feels a bit like coming out of hibernation. To celebrate that, I like to go into the mountains and scare the campers-growl, stomp around, shake their tents or trailers, ransack their food supply...I always leave a note though wishing them a happy bear season.

March 21

Sometimes as I'm out for a stroll, I get the impression that I'd like to lead a marching band right down the neighborhood I'm walking in. Out of nowhere, a band appears and I am able to lead them and witness the shocked look on the neighbors' faces. I guess when you're one with the universe, you're one.

March 20

Are vampires real? Today I was eating a banana and it started to look an awful lot like a vampire. Halfway through I had to say outloud, "Am I biting you or are you biting me?" I wasn't sure for a minute there but if it did bite me, I don't think it got enough venom into my system. I haven't felt any supernatural changes occur.

March 19

I'm not much of a cook but I like to try so when people visit, I enjoy putting a pan on the stove and creating something new. I feel so talkative as I add whatever my hands find in the kitchen to the dish: potatoes, sour cream, frozen blueberries, a handful of crackers, black licorice, a squirt of dish soap, anything that I distractedly find during my conversations. I do have to be a little more careful about letting the kitchen scissors end up in the food. Those don't taste as good as other things I've added.

March 18

I might get kicked out of the circus for saying this but I hate show tunes. Perhaps it's because my neighbor used to beat his wife to them. When "Hello Dolly" was cranked, the punches were certain to follow. "Oklahoma" to me is a signal that the police are on their way and "Memories" is a pre-cursor for a trip to the hospital for that poor woman. Yeah, show tunes are just creepy.

St. Patty's Day

If we say "top of the morning to you", then are we implying "bottom of the evening to you" as well? and why do we pretend to be Irish to get kissed-who is out there thinking they would never kiss somebody in a million years and then suddenly finds out the person is Irish and changes their mind? "Well, if only you'd mentioned you were Irish a little sooner..."

March 16

I do not care for macaroni and cheese. Frequently I'm out visiting people when I'm offered this. The perfect reply is, "Do you know how many noodles were used to make it?" to which the reply is almost certainly, "No." My response is, "I just don't eat mac and cheese with unaccounted for noodles but thank you for the offer."

March 15

I really like the way my foot looks in a white sock. This practically qualifies me for any authoritative position across the nation.

March 14

I have an obLession with addLing extra L's to words and I really just can't stop. SLome of my fLavorites include:

slurpLees at sLeven eleven,

sLin cLity

bLurger kLing

kLids, vacLation, cLoordination, bLoxer, cLouncil, exLit, sLouth, pLeople, offLice, fLactory, bLig, bLangerter or banglerter, radio shLack, sLears, healthcLare, markLeting, microsLoft, nintendLo, sLony, bLox, bLaby...I think you gLet the idea.

Friday the 13th

Sometimes I tend to get impatient when people make me wait for no apparent reason but I found a new way to make myself more patient. I picture the slow person in a fire trying to get out. The longer it takes them, the more they burn.

March 12

The idea of plastic surgery has always left me in awe...I mean, surgery performed with plastic tools really does seem amazing! It's just that somebody burst my bubble-they said the surgery is performed with regular medical equipment, including metal tools! What's the world's obsession with that? There's nothing special about plastic surgery after all.

March 11

I have tobacco prevention on my mind. I still enjoy the stories I've heard from long ago of parents or grandparents who forced their children to smoke a whole pack of smokes at once. I have never heard of an instance in which that did not do the job...but what age do you purchase the cigarettes for the child's birthday? Nothing says happy birthday to a child like a life lesson.

March 10

For those of you that are having children soon or in the future, it's a good idea to name your sons Grandpa and your daughters Grandma. For one thing, you can tell people that your Grandpa or Grandma lives with you and they will think you are quite nurturing. For another thing, just think how funny it will be when the neighbor kids ask their mom if they can go play with Grandpa all the time! But you could never hurt your children because society doesn't look kindly on people who sucker punch Grandma...

March 9

We call people "quiet" when what they really are is "unstable." Everybody likes to tell everybody else what they did over the weekend...except for that one person, you know, the "quiet one." I bet they really don't speak up because they know what they did would really freak folks out but we don't pry. We just call them quiet and that's not right.

March 8

Every day I save up the pain and hurt of the day and at 11:59 p.m., I let it out as I cry for exactly two minutes, ending at 12:01 a.m. I start this at 11:59 every other evening so that when I get those online surveys that ask me when the last time I cried was, I can always put "today." I think when people read this, they find me very sweet and sensitive.