How to Hate What You Love

I found the secret to help people hate what they currently love: just give them what they want in large successive doses.

For instance, as a random example, let's say a man has talked for months about having prime rib. 

All I need to do is buy a 19 lb. prime rib, cook it perfectly, and offer it to this man and the other household members in some form every day for the 5 days you can eat it. By the end of the 5 days, ha ha ha!!! Everybody hates prime rib!!! Secretly, I still don't hate it but I never want to cook it again so it's a win-win for everyone.

Marriage...

 You can call it love if you want or call it I-don't-want-to-make-a-whole-house-payment-by-myself. I'm talking about marriage. Also, my feet get cold when I watch shows. If you help make the house payment and sit on my feet when they're cold, we could call it wedded bliss. Also, I will need you to kill spiders...

Oh! You're more afraid of spiders than me. As long as you never scream like that again, I will make a deal to kill the spiders. 

This is what marriage is...years and years of negotiation. That's the happily ever after...wait! Did you just throw your dirty socks on the floor again? So help me, if you did, I'm parking my car a little into your side of the garage. You will come in ranting that you don't have enough room to park and I will think about how you also can't get your dirty socks in the hamper either. We will get mad but when I see you help our kids, my heart will soften up and I'll go re-park the car properly. 

We'll start the whole negotiation cycle over. Wedding anniversaries mark the number of years we've managed these negotiations for. It might not seem romantic but that's what's going on behind the scenes. 

Weird Songs by Famous Musicians

I was on hold and listening to the music. I thought, "Ok, I can be cool with a little Paul Simon" but it wasn't long before I was thinking, "What is this?! Do they get a discount for unpopular songs?" It was a horrible song. It was never a hit for a reason. I hope they didn't pay full price for their hold music. 

Mascara-free

 I made a big discovery today. It's really difficult to swallow a bite of apple while putting on mascara! I don't like fruit very much but I know I should eat more of it. I also needed to get ready fast so I started eating an apple while I was putting on makeup. However, every time I went to swallow, it hurt & seemed tricky & I had to stop with the makeup & stand straight up to swallow.

If you're thinking that maybe you'll save time & eat an apple while also leaning over the sink to apply makeup, don't do it. You will only be able to do one of those things well & it's best to pick the apple. Sure, maybe then people will ask you why you look so bad & try to see what's wrong with you but you can just smile & reply, "I ate an apple." 

Smells

You know how humans are often told to stop and smell the roses? I wonder if some canine king of the world told dogs to stop and smell the tree trunks of every urine-doused tree because that's what they do! I go for a nature walk and my dog believes he's in a piss-sniffing competition. I guess either way, we both come home a little happier, even if our reasons for feeling that way are very different.

Famous People Perks

This is a message I sent to Comedian Kellen Erskine today, which details everything that happened:

I work for the postal service typing mail addresses if they are part of the 1% of mail that isn't read automatically by machines. A couple nights ago, I got a piece of mail that I was just about to reject because the address wasn't in a format that we would normally type when I saw a K. Erskine handwritten in the corner as the return address and somewhere in California. I thought, "what if it's that fantastic comedian I saw in Provo, Utah last year?" so I slowed down and took a minute to type in the address in a way that I can pretty much guarantee it will get where it's supposed to go, even though we wouldn't normally do that.

I can't remember where it was going-we key thousands of pieces of mail per day. My point is that I'm not sure if it was even from you or not but if it is, hopefully it's a sign that you've truly made it when people around the country are taking extra steps at their job just to make sure your mail gets where it needs to go.

If it wasn't you then some other K. Erskine in California is getting a perk of having a name that might be associated with yours. You're very talented. Thanks for the laughs!

Public Toilet Survival is a thing

I saw some public toilet survival kits on Amazon-great idea...mmm-pricey. I want to give people their own public toilet survival kits but not at $6-$9 a pop. I needed toilet seat covers, antiseptic wipes, and gloves. I bought antiseptic wipes and then focused on the other items...I've never seen toilet seat covers for sale at my local Wal-mart so I was in a conundrum.

I started thinking maybe I could just get a few extra seat covers here & there when I visit public restrooms (yuck!). I'm not out to steal anything. I didn't want to be a thief but I started thinking of the extent I have gone to to avoid using public restrooms. If I HAD used the restrooms when I needed to, I would have used a seat cover so surely, I could just collect my unused toilet seats. I was at a restaurant this week and ended up taking a little stack of toilet seat covers from the restroom. I hope that I avoided the restroom 43 times because that's how many toilet seat covers I collected.

Now for gloves...I also went to the dentist office this week and noticed how many gloves were available, if only I could get rid of the pesky employees that I just couldn't shake because they were "cleaning my teeth" or "giving me a full dental evaluation."

I have my boundaries though so I guess I will just have to go buy some gloves. Oohie! My friends are going to have a great Christmas!