August 28

Rotting food is like a bitter ex. It seems to shout out, "Fine!!! Go ahead and leave me but I am going to cause a huge stink as I go." It never really gets over it either. It just lets the separation eat away at it until there's nothing left.

August 27

Onions never apologize. They don't say, "I'm sorry if I was too forward. Please forgive me for overpowering you." They are just the strong and confident creations they were born to be. I like that.

August 25

Every time I lose a pound or two (on my quest to drop about 30 pounds), my husband surrounds me with heavenly junk like Pepsi & restaurant food and more Pepsi. I say, "But I just started losing weight!" and his reply is, "No wife of mine should be a loser."

August 21

A bargain-hunter's high is like a runner's high...except it doesn't come with any physical benefits...and it also costs more!

August 16

Those grease monkeys that change your oil are people, too.

August 10

I may be the only person in the world dumb enough to stick a tomato in my pocket. We were moving and there was one perfect tomato on our tomato plant so I snatched it and put it in my pocket, thinking there was no way I could forget about a delicious home-grown tomato. Everything can be forgotten in a move. At the first stop when I couldn't figure out how my pocket got all wet and I put my hand in it, only to pull it out covered in tomato seeds, that's when I remembered the tomato. Now if only there were a way to sneak tomatoes into other people's pockets...

August 9

There are two things that bother me about those bumper stickers that say "Start seeing motorcycles." First of all, you never see these bumper stickers on motorcycles themselves, only on cars. Isn't that like a steak declaring, "Start seeing chicken thighs!"? Secondly, why don't we get bumper stickers that say "Start seeing law enforcement vehicles!"? That little reminder would be pretty helpful. I don't know of a single person that appreciates getting a ticket.

August 8

Today's 8-8. I like that. It's friendly. One side doesn't have to be ahead or behind the other.

As part of Make Up a Ridiculous Story Day...

Twice upon a time, there lived a beautiful peasant. She thought her food supplies were low and she set out for the market to refresh them. She searched the kingdom for coupons but they hadn't been invented yet so she decided she would just try to barter. When she got to the market, she was surprised to find that the seafood stand with the freshest of fish had been replaced by an Omega-3 supplement supplier that claimed their fish-oil pills didn't taste fishy at all (but just wait for the burps!). Her favorite produce stand was replaced by a smoothie shop. Her most relished of stops, the chocolate shop had been replaced by an assortment of chocolate calcium chews. As a fan of chocolate, these little chewie creations were an insult to anybody with taste buds. The peasant was now fretful. How could she find joy amidst all of these substitutes for real goodness? She then realized how foolish she had been to come to market! She had a dairy cow and a collection of chickens at home. She had a garden as well. She had fallen into the trap of being an unnecessary consumer. She merrily made a large sign to hang in front of her shack that said, "Chickens make good friends and even better dinner." This reminded her of how lucky she was to have company and food all wrapped up into one clucking little bundle. She made another sign that said, "Have you milked your cow today?" This sign was mostly just for humor. Every time she read it she laughed-there's just something funny about milking a cow. She got a tattoo of a strawberry on her ankle because she sure was fond of odd celebrity singing sensations like Katy Perry but mostly she was just hungry for strawberries. The simple life is a beautiful life.

The end.

August 7

For anybody that's had to hear they can have or do something "when pigs fly", I saw this with my own eyes.

August 6

Humans could learn a great deal from praying mantises. When males wish to mate, they approach the female gently and carefully. They know she is not one to mess with or upset. They give her a little back rub with their antennaes. If they do a good job, they mate with her and stay alive. If they don't do a good job, they get their head bitten off.

August 5

I think if I could be any other living thing, it would be a caterpillar. They just get to eat and eat eat and really fatten up good, enjoying all of their surroundings and then they go on vacation for a few weeks. By the end of their vacation, a thin, flirty, beautiful butterfly emerges that can soar to great heights and never worry about surpassing their prime. That would be the life!

August 3

This one time at the nursing home...
(Oh the stories I could tell that start with that!)

August 2

When people say, "You've got a good head on your shoulders," is the "on your shoulders" part really necessary??? Is there any other location that would be suitable? I've never heard of somebody having a good head on their elbows or knees or under their armpit or anything like that.